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Saturday, 30 November 2013

[ ..emerald.. ]

People often ask me why do I like taking pictures of couples. A friend joked that I get off on that, especially on gay couples like the above.

It's simple, really. I like to see the faces of happy couples. The way they look at each other. The way they hold each others hands firmly as they stroll along the streets. The way they talk to each other. The way they make each other laugh.

It's something that I love to capture in my photos. Happiness. It makes me happy to see happy people.

But at the same time, when I stare too long into these photos, I found myself green with envy.

As much I love these couples, I also fucking hate them.

They have everything I ever wanted. Someone to love and to love them back. I never had that.

It's a screwed up way to look at it for sure but I can't deny that I never thought of the question 'why do they deserve happiness but not me?'.

Then, I remember. That the problem lies on me. I'm too screwed up to be likeable. I'm too screwed up to be loved. I need to fix myself. But how?

Tonight, I feel extremely melancholy. Tears are flowing as I'm typing this.

I'd been trying very very hard to conceal my emotion since I came back. The closest I ever came to tears was when the train picked up its speed away from the platform at central station. Tears welled up on my eyes, blurring my vision but I never let it fall on my cheeks.

But not tonight. It's been four days since I'm back. I can't hold the tears anymore.

I wish I could say that I've let everything go. But it's never that easy.

Things are never that easy. Life is never easy.

No matter how much I want to go with the flow, the waves keep knocking me off the current.

I just don't belong.

I'm tired of trying to keep afloat. I just want the waves to knock me out so I don't have to keep wasting my energy anymore. Just fucking let me drown.

It just pains me that love remains unattainable for soo. sure, she's still young. sure, she's pretty. sure, she's kind. but that doesn't mean anything.




:: stitched on` ::*|21:28|

:: [0] care[s] ::



:: ..it is me.. ::
Ailurophile. Irascible. Desultory. Furtive.


:: ..Type Here.. ::

:: ..pages i stalk.. ::
..queen of mushrooms..
..best page on earth..

:: ..Tick Tock.. :: --------------------------------------

:: ..Calender 2013.. ::


::..Wishes.. ::
~ eternal financial stability, bitch
~ Tokyo solo 2013
~ to Japan, I go for second time!
~ to Japan, I go!
~ Canon G12
~ Superheadz Ultra Wide and Slim!
~ Superheadz Golden Half!
~ new camera!
~ a studio home
~ publish a novel/short stories compilation

:: ..Crédits.. ::
Blog Désign: Michiika
Photo: SuuwaXSupatenshi