It's difficult to explain to others how I feel. Carl Jung described it ever so perfectly about my state of mind now.
a child I felt myself to be alone, and I am still, because I know
things and must hint at things which others apparently know nothing of,
and for the most part do not want to know. Loneliness does not come from
having no people about one, but from being unable to communicate the
things that seem important to oneself, or from holding certain views
which others find inadmissible. The loneliness began with the
experiences of my early dreams, and reached its climax at the time at
the time when I was working on the
a man knows more than others, he becomes lonely. But loneliness is not
necessarily inimical to companionship, for no one is more sensitive to
companionship than the lonely person, and companionship thrives only
when each individual remembers his individuality and does not identify
himself with others.
have had much trouble in living with my ideas. There was a daemon in
me, and in the end its presence proved decisive; it overpowered me. I
could never stop at anything once attained. I had to hasten on, to catch
up with my vision. Since my contemparies, understandably, could not
perceive my vision, they saw only a fool rushing ahead.
have offended many people, for as soon as I saw that they did not
understand me, that was the end of the matter so far as I was concerned:
I had to move on. I had no patience with people. I had to obey an inner
law which was imposed on me and left me no freedom of choice. Of
course, I did not always obey it. How can anyone live without
some people I was continually present and close to them so long as they
were related to my inner world; but then it might happen that I was no
longer with them, because there was nothing left which would link me to
them. I had to learn painfully that people continued to exist even when
they had nothing more to say to me. Many excited in me a feeling of
living humanity, but only when they appeared within the magic circle of
psychology; next moment, when the spotlight cast its beam elsewhere,
there was nothing to be seen. I was able to become intensely interested
in people; but as soon as I had seen through them, the magic was gone.
In this way I made many enemies.
creative person has little power over his own life. He is not free. He
is captive and driven by his daemon. Perhaps I might say: I need people
to a higher degree than others, and at the same time much less.
am astonished, disappointed, pleased with myself. I am distressed,
depressed, rapturous. I am all these things at once, and cannot add up
the sum. I am incapable of determining ultimate worth or worthlessness; I
have no judgment about myself and my life. There is nothing I am quite
sure about. I have no definite convictions - not about anything, really.
I only know that I was born and exist, and it seems to me that I have
been carried along. I exist on the foundation of something I do not
know. In spite of all uncertainties, I feel solidity underlying all
existence and continuity in my mode of being.
Lao-tzu says: "All are clear, I alone am clouded," he is expressing
what I now feel in advanced old age. Lao-tzu is the example of a man
with superior insight who has seen and experienced worth and
worthlessness, and who at the end of his life desires to return into his
own being, into the eternal unknowable meaning.
Extract from "Memories, Dreams and Reflections" by Carl Jung