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Thursday, 24 January 2013

[ ..passion.. ]

I wonder.

For the past three years and a half, I'd shut down all of my passion for life beyond work space. All I know is the importance of work and money.

Sure, they are still the important elements on my life now. But what about life beyond work?

At times I asked myself what am I doing here?

For money, I answered myself.

But do I love what I'm doing now?

Well, not really. I mean, the thing is I used to love writing. I thought I will dedicate my life in perfecting my writing. Then, I started writing all kinds of things thrown to me. It's work. It's my job. It brings me money, which I'd love to have abundance of.

But It has been three years and a half of doing the same old thing now. I know my job is fairly easy. It's not like I have to muddle through the heat from the sun and the cold from the rain every day of the year.

It's pretty much a comfortable driving in and out job then sit down and write about what happened, that's all.

But is this what I want to do for the rest of my life? I doubt so.

It scares me. I used to think that this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life because this is what I can only do.

I guess I'm just really afraid of being unambitious. But at the same time, I can tell you that I'd lost my passion for writing. And this is not good.

Coz after all, no matter how average and mediocre my writing is, it is still the only thing that I can do in my pathetic life.

Although I still think money is important, my mindset starts to slowly change over the course of the past six months.

Yeah, money is important. But what does that really mean sticking to a mundane job for the rest of your life just because of the financial stability it provides?

If you ask me six months ago, I'll say Yes. But right now, I'll say No.

Sure, I'd love to be financially stable. Being able to pay bills and rent monthly. But right now, I just want out of this whole routine.

In fact, I am so sick of being here right now that I'm contemplating to quit. But alas, my financial status is not very beautiful right now as I'd just spent so much money on two weeks in Japan (well not really) and cat's surgery also costs me a bomb.

I can't leave right now. I would if I could.

You think someone with a job and financial security is lucky because there are tonnes of people out there without a job. Yeah, I'll agree with you a little bit there.

I may sound incredibly unappreciative right now but I don't want to be stuck in the corporate system. I just want to go elsewhere now and start a new.

My whole thought that I can only do writing is not valid anymore. I could do so much more with my pair of hands than I could with my writing.

I really just want to drop everything right now and be a sheep herder. Be an organic farmer. Milk the cow. Pick up the dungs. Have a chicken farm. With a duck pond. And llamas.

I just want to be surrounded by animals and the smell of their crap now.

I think I really just want to work with animals than human beings because the latter is so difficult to deal with. Human behaviours are just incredibly unpredictable.

I'm so sick of talking to people and trying to understand what they want. It will be so much easier to talk to animals.

Here here my editor is chasing me for an article that I owed him. I wonder if he ever had dreams like this. Is doing this what he really wants for the rest of his life?

Maybe I'm still young. And naive. And stupid. But fuck, if I don't do what I want to do right now, I might spend the rest of my life asking myself the many what ifs.

I don't want to be my colleagues. Staying at the same place for more than ten years like it's some life-long contract. I'm faithful and I'm loyal but not to the extend where I lost my own personality and interests.

I just want to surround myself with things that I like. Selfish. Selfish. Selfish. But isn't that the most basic human behaviour that everyone is exhibiting around me right now?

Honestly, I don't hate my job. I just hate the people surrounding my job. Animals don't play mind games. People do.

:: stitched on` ::*|16:03|

:: [0] care[s] ::

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:: ..it is me.. ::
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suwas.jpg
Ailurophile. Irascible. Desultory. Furtive.

Me

:: ..Type Here.. ::
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:: ..pages i stalk.. ::
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..queen of mushrooms..
..best page on earth..


:: ..Tick Tock.. :: --------------------------------------

:: ..Calender 2013.. ::

June
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::..Wishes.. ::
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~ eternal financial stability, bitch
~ Tokyo solo 2013
~ to Japan, I go for second time!
~ to Japan, I go!
~ Canon G12
~ Superheadz Ultra Wide and Slim!
~ Superheadz Golden Half!
~ new camera!
~ a studio home
~ publish a novel/short stories compilation


:: ..Crédits.. ::
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Blog Désign: Michiika
Photo: SuuwaXSupatenshi