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Monday, 24 September 2012

[ ..stagnant.. ]

I could be doing my work right now but somehow, I choose the comfort of writing here.

But even in this white space, I am stumped on what I should write. How am I to express my feelings without making it sound depressing and somewhat self-important. But, if you were to see and talk to me right now, I am not exactly depressed or even near being down. I really think the Internet is making me the person I don't want to be.

I had long talks with my friend one day and she made me think a lot of things. I love talking to her because she can help me in many ways about myself more than anyone else in my life ever could.

She's like a big sister to me. I always wonder why couldn't my sisters be more sensible like her. Whenever I talk to my sisters about my feelings and problems, they would try to top my problems by telling me how miserable they are. Then, I realised I am like that too. Man, I gotta change.

 Most importantly, she listens to me and my stupid problems. Maybe to her, my problems aren't exactly problems at all. But she listens. And questions me about how I feel about my problems and how should I change the situation I am in right now.

I watched Lost in Translation again last week, or the week before I can't really remember. This film, although almost a decade old, is still one of my favourite films of all time. Not necessary because it was entirely filmed in Japan. I'm not that superficial, really.

It's because it dealt with so much emotions that are parallel with my life right now. I am not Scarlett Johansson but man, I felt so much like her character, Charlotte, in the film. So much that I felt like watching myself on the film.

And I'm sure that I am not the only one feeling that way.

There was one particular scene that really got to me. It made me teared up silently because it hits me so hard.

It was the scene when Charlotte and Bob were almost falling asleep and Charlotte telling him how she feels about her life. The dialogues in that scene kills me because I'd heard myself saying those things over and over again in my brain. The only difference is that, Charlotte could finally find someone who would listen to her woes, while I'm here talking to myself.

One of the lines that I will not forget is when Charlotte said:

"I just don't know what I'm suppose to be. I tried being a writer, but I hate what I write. And I tried taking pictures but they are so mediocre, you know?" 

 I never knew a film dialogue can sums up how I feel about my current life so perfectly. Sofia Coppola, I love you so much. 

I really do not know what I'm suppose to be. I thought I knew,  but I don't. I write for a living but I hate what I write most of the time. What I'm writing now is not what I really want but I'm only doing it because I need the money. Of course, I love my job and never looked down on it but it's my problem really. I don't want to see myself in this same position for the rest of my life. 

Then, I tried photography but man, my stuff are mediocre like hell. I even tried videography but that's even worse than mediocre. 

I do know what I'm suppose to do right now, but what about after this chapter of my life? I can't be sitting in the same chapter for 200 pages! 

I vision myself doing something great in the future but I do not know what it is at all. Isn't that weird? To know that you can achieve something but do not know what is it. 

Mind you, I never set out to be a super famous person or never did I dream to be a zillionaire. I just want to be able to do something I'm really interested in, in the future and be financially secure.

I'm confused as hell right now. Whatever I say doesn't even make sense anymore because I don't really know how to advance to another chapter. 

Man, I really want to know how the future looks like. I just hope that ten years later, I'll be doing what I love to do most in my life. I sure do hope I am not sitting at the same place I am sitting right now. As much as I love the zebra, I can't be stagnant for the next ten years of my life. 

I wish for a change but at the same time, I am afraid of changes. I don't know what is wrong with me but I sure can tell you that I am as confused as you are, reading this wall of text. 

Whatever happens next, I just want to be Charlotte in Tokyo for a while now.





:: stitched on` ::*|15:15|

:: [0] care[s] ::

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:: ..it is me.. ::
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Ailurophile. Irascible. Desultory. Furtive.

Me

:: ..Type Here.. ::
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:: ..pages i stalk.. ::
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..queen of mushrooms..
..best page on earth..


:: ..Tick Tock.. :: --------------------------------------

:: ..Calender 2013.. ::

June
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::..Wishes.. ::
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~ eternal financial stability, bitch
~ Tokyo solo 2013
~ to Japan, I go for second time!
~ to Japan, I go!
~ Canon G12
~ Superheadz Ultra Wide and Slim!
~ Superheadz Golden Half!
~ new camera!
~ a studio home
~ publish a novel/short stories compilation


:: ..Crédits.. ::
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