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Wednesday, 25 July 2012

[ ..in the real world.. ]

For the past dunno how many months that I'd been slacking and procrastinating at work, I had to go home every single night filled with guilt.

Why? Because I failed to deliver. I failed to deliver anything to my boss by the end of the day. And I go home without submitting anything into the queue.

In the beginning I thought, heh, I can get use to this guilt I have in the next few weeks. But it never went away. I feel guilty from my fingertips all the way to my toes. I had goosebumps. I covers my face with pillow every night because I feel ashamed.

It's horrible. You think by slacking off you will feel enjoyable and fun. You think by not doing anything makes you feel relaxed. It's wrong. It's all wrong.

If anything, it makes you feel worse about yourself. You lost all sense of pride in your own work. Every time I submit a lifeless article I felt like shit. Like a worthless piece of shit.

I forgot how it felt like to come out with an article completely original and yours. 

Until the past two days. On Monday I finished two pending articles. Then yesterday I completed three articles.

I'd never felt happier and satisfied until the moment I look at the five finished articles. Then I remembered how it felt.

I never knew how those feelings can be so important.

 There was a time, about two years ago, I was such a workaholic that I can finish up to five articles in a day, excluding some extra press releases that I need to process.

I now remember how awesome it felt but at the same time, that was what made me felt miserably robotic. I think I overdid it that time.

You see, I realised a huge flaw in my behaviour. It's too extreme. It's either I am extremely hardworking or I am extremely lazy. It's never in between.

To me, it's almost the same thing as if it's right, it's right, if it's wrong, it's wrong - kind of thinking.

How do I fix this problem? When I realised it last night, I told myself that I need to balance things out. Don't write five articles a day if it makes you feel robotic. Don't overwork yourself. But yet, don't write less than two articles a day, unless there really isn't anything to write that day.

But you know what I did when I went home? I did research on the next person that I was going to interview and draft out over 20 questions for him. By the time I finished, it was almost 2am.

That means, I basically worked until 2am. Now, that is a sample behaviour of my extremely hardworking nature.

I didn't want to do it but I did it because I want to do it. See, the previous sentence makes no sense at all.

My brain if often split into two minds and they talked to each other a lot. One part of it wants to work, another part of it wants to slack.

These two minds never worked together before. There is zero teamwork in them. So when Hardworking argued with Procrastinate for the past few months, Procrastinate won the debate and he brought my brain into a hiatus. Took away my awesome vocabs and grammar, and basically made me a fucking idiot.

During last weekend, they had an argument again. Hardworking told Procrastinate that it's time he should take control of my brain. And Procratinate relented coz he became too lazy to argue.

And now Hardworking is back and here I am. Slaving it off once again.

Seriously guys, please work together properly. If you put me in extreme mode again, I may just die from exhaustion. So please, guys. Teamwork yo. Teamwork!

Anyway, I need to finish my work early now coz I am going to watch Miyavi perform live tonight! =D Have a nice evening to you.


p.s.: I molested Miyavi. That is a fact.

:: stitched on` ::*|15:51|

:: [0] care[s] ::

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:: ..it is me.. ::
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Ailurophile. Irascible. Desultory. Furtive.

Me

:: ..Type Here.. ::
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..queen of mushrooms..
..best page on earth..


:: ..Tick Tock.. :: --------------------------------------

:: ..Calender 2013.. ::

June
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::..Wishes.. ::
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~ eternal financial stability, bitch
~ Tokyo solo 2013
~ to Japan, I go for second time!
~ to Japan, I go!
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~ new camera!
~ a studio home
~ publish a novel/short stories compilation


:: ..Crédits.. ::
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