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Sunday, 10 June 2012

[ ..so the parrot says.. ]

[wrote this on June, didn't want to publish it in fear that people who read this might think that I am trying to remind them of my birthday thus making me a hypopocratic bitch aahahahahah, so yeah, i scheduled it to appear after my bday] 

Can you believe that it is June 4 already? Sigh. Time passes by too fast! But then, I shouldn't complain because if it passes by too slow it will be friggin annoying as hell.

I don't know since when my birthday became something unimportant to me.

I dunno.

These days, once the calender turns January 1, I will automatically declare my age, even though it's not until 6 more months til my birthday.

I think it has something to do with disappointment.

Disappointment on how I anticipated it so much last time, every single year, but nothing ever happens on that day. I thought it's a special day, well at least to myself. But in the end, the clock turns 12 midnight on June 10, and I realised that nothing interesting or the least special happen on the previous day.

So, I asked myself, what's the point? ('What's the point' is pretty much my favourite catchphrase these days).

Yet, I still remember the date. It used to mean so much to me. But not anymore. It's just another day, another number to me. I've already turn 23 since January 1, 2012.

You remember how when you were kids your parents always throw you birthday parties? I only had one. When I turned 10. I guess it's kinda official that my age is no longer in one digit anymore, so my parents wanted to make it special for me.

But not really. I don't really have a birthday party because I never had any real friends. When I look back at the photos we took at my 10th birthday party, none of those people in the photos are my friends now. They were just some neighbour kids that I invited. None of my friends at that time came for the party. But not that it matters anyway.

But that didn't kill my spirit, really.

Every single year, I will be sitting excitedly there, look at the calender flips until it reach June and I will be so darn happy.

But nothing ever happens on that day.

If you ask me what is my fondest birthday memory I ever had, I can recall one. When I turned 14.

I don't remember the exact date for it because my birthday always falls on the school holiday and my friends never had the chance to wish me at school, so they decided to do it before the holiday comes.

I was sitting there at my place and chatting with Asyiqeen, one of my few dearest friends, when these bunch of idiots come to me and dragged me all the way to another classroom. I was genuinely shocked.

"Come here! Just come! We need you to do something!"

Please, these bunch of crazy people always get everyone into trouble with the teachers, of course I'm scared. They thought I was acting all surprise but really, I was really really surprised when they sang happy birthday to me while circling me with cards and presents.

In fact, I'm always close to tears every time I remember this incident. Because that was the happiest school moment of my life. That was the only time ever, in school, that I felt loved by my friends.

But then, the year 2003 is always the best school year of my life. Things turned downhill when 2004 arrived.

I never asked for presents. Not even from my parents. When my sisters were able to provide for themselves, they always asked me what I want for my birthday. I always said "I dunno, whatever you like to give me, I'll be happy to accept."

I never asked for things because since I was a child, I knew that if I ever want something, I will get it on my own account. There is no need begging others to give me anything.

That is why, presents or the lack thereof, doesn't really bother me. I'm okay to go through my birthday without anything. But you see, what I really feel disappointed on is that, after my 14th birth date, nobody really wishes me anymore.

The day just come and go every year like that. Nothing special. I'm okay with that. I'm even okay with not having wishes. But what really bugs me til today is that- every year, whenever someone's birthday is coming, everyone else is always excited for so-and-so's birthday and ALWAYS wanted to give them a surprise party.

We liaised with their parents, we sent notes to everyone else but the birthday girl. We planned this and that and make sure everything came as a surprise for the birthday girl.

I am okay with that, seriously.

But it wasn't until I left school and be able to sit there by myself, and think properly that I realised. How come, we always managed to do things for others, but nobody ever, ever thought of going through all those secret notes and planning a surprise party, well... for me?

If they can make it such a great big deal for everyone else, but why not me? 

It was then, I realise, it's not so special after all. It doesn't really matter after all. Well, if it doesn't matter to the people around me, then why should it matter to me too?

It's just a date. Any other day of the year. One in 365! What's so special about it? And there are tens of thousands out there who have the same birthday as me. So, what's so special about it?

It was then, I stopped celebrating my own birthday.

Instead, I celebrate Johnny Depp and Natalie Portman's birthday! It's so much for fun celebrating their birthdays than mine!

It makes you forget about yourself! Anyway, what makes you so special that everyone else have to celebrate the day you were born? Seriously!

There is no need to be sad that no one wishes you happy birthday! Because you don't really matter to them!

For the past two years, I took leave from work for my birthday not because I wanna feel special about myself or I don't wanna work on the day I was born. It was because I don't want my colleagues to feel obligated to 'celebrate' my birthday.

I don't need celebration. I'm just a normal person who is trying to get on with life. I'm not the queen of any country.

This year, luckily, my birthday fall on a Saturday, so I don't have to waste any leaves on it. But if I didn't hear wrong, I think they are preparing a cake. A cheesecake, I heard.

Well, I'm not complaining. I love cheesecakes.

And I think they will 'celebrate' my birthday with another colleague. So, I don't mind being half of the picture. I don't usually in half of any picture.

Well, that's my words for today. Now, getting back to work...

:: stitched on` ::*|09:00|

:: [0] care[s] ::

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Ailurophile. Irascible. Desultory. Furtive.

Me

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June
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