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Monday, 9 April 2012

[ ..there we go.. ]

Sometimes when I sit down and think about how life turns out for me, I do feel happy that I'd come so far from being a non-degree/diploma holder. Or even for a lazy person like I am.

I am not going to say that I've been blessed because I'm not religious although I can be rather superstitious.

My brain is too logical to digest the word 'bless'. If 'blessing' exists, where does it come from? So, bless is out of my picture.

I do not know how did I get here. I do not know what happened that makes me stand here and do what I like and see what I wished for.

Sometimes I wish I know because it might makes me feel better.

Most of the time, I don't feel that I deserve the things that I have now. Well, actually I don't have much. But that's just about right for me. Although I still wish I have my own space.

There, that is the problem being human. We are never satisfied with what we have now. We want more. We always want more. We expect too much.

That is the problem being human beings.

Things will be better if we think and live like animals. Savages, we might be, but everything become simpler. Better. Easier.

You see, the world is built because of comparisons. It is evolves as one person wants to make things better than another. Comparisons makes one feels that they need to do better than they are now.

One scientists makes things better than another. Innovation. Comparison brings Innovation.Isn't that how things works?

We constantly evolve. The earth. The technology. We just continuously evolve. That is good, isn't it? That is great. We can have better things. We can make a better future!

But when it comes to the society, the word 'compare' makes things worse. It makes human less humane. The word 'compare' is the worst word in my dictionary.

In the society, we are compared to one another. It's horrible. There might be people who sees comparisons as a motivation to be better, greater. But to compare one person to another is just the worse thing anyone could do to another.

There is nothing to compare. Anything that is living cannot be laid down on a desk to compare. You cannot compare a dog to a cat. You cannot compare a spider to an ant. You cannot compare human A to human B.

It is that simple.

HOWEVER, in the society that we are living in right now, we just LOVE to compare.

A is better than B, but C is better that B because C has material X and Y, while B only has Z. A is the worst among the three because A does not have X, Y and Z!

Really? Is that really how we want to continue living?

I want to be happy. I think I have 80% of what I wished for already. It will take me a long long time to get the remaining 20% but I am willing to wait. I am willing to work for it.

But as much as I want to avoid from thinking about how the others are doing or how some are more fortunate than I am, I will still find myself sulking about these things.

I am too much of a pessimist. My body is filled with negative energy. I wake up everyday thinking about the worse thing that happened to me. Or the worst things that I had said to others.

And I never count my happiness. I never counted what I have in hands. I never counted how good things that had happened.

I have too much self-pity. I wanted to get rid of that for years now but it still here. I'd hope that there is only a remnant  of self-pity left but in fact, there are still a lot in me.

I want to wake up from drowning in negativity every day. I want to walk away from it. I want to swim away from it. I want to breathe fresh air instead of smoky ashes.

I want to grasp happiness tightly and never let it go.

But it is so hard. It is very hard. There are too many negative people around me.

I still bite my lips in bitterness when I listen to people who are having much more fun than me. I can still feel a lump of jealousy in my throat when I found out that there are people who are doing better than me.

It is too easy to put me down on spirit. I will be extremely jumpy and happy at one moment then that energy dies down as soon as the weather changes on me.

I want to be happy.

But my logical brain makes it hard for me to be happy. My green eyes make it hard for me to be happy for others. My selfish heart makes it hard for me to share my world with others. My pride makes it hard for me to accept the fact that there will be other people who can do better than I could.

Why is it so difficult to change to be better?

I don't want to be the judgmental person. I don't want to be the proud idiot. I want to be happy for myself. I want to be happy for others. I want to be a part of the happy side of the world.

But what does it take for me to reach there?

How long does it take?

As the old saying goes, 'time will tell'.

:: stitched on` ::*|20:33|

:: [0] care[s] ::


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:: ..it is me.. ::
Ailurophile. Irascible. Desultory. Furtive.


:: ..Type Here.. ::

:: ..pages i stalk.. ::
..queen of mushrooms..
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:: ..Tick Tock.. :: --------------------------------------

:: ..Calender 2013.. ::


::..Wishes.. ::
~ eternal financial stability, bitch
~ Tokyo solo 2013
~ to Japan, I go for second time!
~ to Japan, I go!
~ Canon G12
~ Superheadz Ultra Wide and Slim!
~ Superheadz Golden Half!
~ new camera!
~ a studio home
~ publish a novel/short stories compilation

:: ..Crédits.. ::
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