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Monday, 20 February 2012

[ ..look back check four clock check.. ]

When I saw Yen dropped to under RM40 for 1000Yen, I immediately ran to the nearest ATM to get my cash. As of today, I'd already changed all the Yen I need. The funniest thing is that I haven't even done my visa or buy the JR rail pass yet.

Almost everything is done as of now. Well, except for the itinerary heh. Which is a headache because I couldn't find the time to do anything at all recently.

My brain couldn't function well lately. Every day I left work without giving anything to my boss. And not forgetting to mention that I go in to work so darn late I could hardly hold my head up high anymore. My head should be chopped and put in my bag.

I'm experiencing those moments again where I feel tired although I didn't exactly do anything. Both mentally and physically.

My backache is back and there is nothing I can do about it. Mr Salon Pas didn't help at all.

'Stress', they say. But what kind of stress am I experiencing now when I am basically empty right now?

Every night I told myself to wake up a little earlier so I can go to work earlier. So I can get more things done and try my best not to owe anyone anything. But it is so hard.

I couldn't sleep at night at a proper hour, then I couldn't wake up at a proper time too. Does this make sense?

I used to be able to sleep at 2am and wake up at 6am to go to school. What is happening to me? Age might be a good excuse but really, I don't think that is what it is because, good lord, I am only 22 turning 23! Not 22 turning 50!

Actually, what I really feel now is that I am sleeping. I am sleeping all along. No, not dreaming. Just sleeping. I'm sleeping at home, I am sleeping at work, I am sleeping in the car and I'm sleeping every where. I am just sleeping.

There's no feeling, no words, no thoughts, no touch. There isn't anything there and everything feels zen and lazy.

I tried to work but I couldn't at all. I wanted to start typing but I couldn't. I made myself look busy but really, I wasn't busy at all. I didn't hit the gym for two weeks because I feel tired even before putting on the sports shoes.

I'm going through a sleep. A very very long sleep. Where I wish I won't be awaken by anyone. Where it is the safest place to be. Where I do not get hurt physically and mentally.

I need to go to that place. I need to be at that place where emotions do not exist. But maybe I am already at that place.

Sometimes, I would to think of myself as a robot. A robot who only knows how to do her best in everything and no hard feelings felt. A robot who does not need to communicate with human beings because they do not deserve it.

I wanted to be distant. I wanted to be a robot. But every time when I succeeded, I noticed how it makes things worse for others. They feel bad because I am distant. They feel bad when I did not care. They feel bad when I did not speak.

They feel hurt by me. But what about me? The times when you tell me the truths, the times when truth really hurts me, the times when the words hurt me, the times when I couldn't do anything to help, the times when I am suddenly accused of something that I didn't do?

What about me?

I tried my best to avoid everything at all cost. I tried my best to do the best for myself and the cat. To me, those are the two things that matters the most.

I always think ignorance is the best. So, why care? Why care when there is nothing can be done right now? Why care when you know that things will not be in control anymore? Why care when the wild goose is gone and will never look back at its past?

When a piece of paper had been cut into tiny little pieces, you won't be able to piece them back anymore. So, what's the point?

The ribbon, which had been cut since July 2011, is long gone. No matter how hard you want to try to find the shredded ribbon, it's just isn't possible anymore.

So, just let me live my life. Just let me breathe my own life. Just let me move on forward to my own future. Nothing else matters. It's long gone and I'm already in the future.



 ayu_19980408: Many things have happened, but we need to move forward. Even these days will end someday.

:: stitched on` ::*|03:49|

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:: ..it is me.. ::
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Ailurophile. Irascible. Desultory. Furtive.

Me

:: ..Type Here.. ::
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:: ..Tick Tock.. :: --------------------------------------

:: ..Calender 2013.. ::

June
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::..Wishes.. ::
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~ eternal financial stability, bitch
~ Tokyo solo 2013
~ to Japan, I go for second time!
~ to Japan, I go!
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~ Superheadz Golden Half!
~ new camera!
~ a studio home
~ publish a novel/short stories compilation


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