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Tuesday, 8 November 2011

[ .. a letter to you.. ]

Dear you,

Sometimes, you need to understand that everything has its limit. You had known me since we were nine. You should have known that my patience is incredibly thin and it wears off easily. I knew that this is my weakness as a person as well as a friend. I knew I was never a good friend to anyone. If there were any levels of goodness in being a friend, I think I am in Level -9.

But in these two years, I learnt how to be a better person. I learnt how to be a better friend. I turned into this caring soul that my teenage self couldn't see myself turn into. Of course, I am still a very flawed human being and there is no doubt that I still have a lot to learn.

Dear you,

In these two years, my patience had gotten thicker and it takes some time to wear it off now. I felt like a new person. Most of my friends back in secondary school were already abandoned and I see no future in stay in contacts with them anymore. Most of them, except for the very few and you are in the 'very few' category. Initially, I thought we never really see eye-to-eye towards stuff before and often I find that there aren't anything similar in both of us. We are in fact, very very different people and have very very different thinking.

But still, I took the initiative to get to know you again. After all, it has been a while since we were nine and maybe there are things that I don't like about you were changed into something better. Well, of course I am certain that there are things that you don't like about me too, but I will never find out because after this letter, I am pretty sure that you will never want to speak to me again.

Also, I had decided that after today, I will never want to speak to you anymore or care about whatever fucks happening to you anymore, simply because my patience towards you, had finally worn off.

Dear you,

Remember those time when I pick you up from your place and bring you around town? Remember those midnight rides in the city? Remember the times when I come to cheer you up when you said you feel bored? Remember the times when I pay for your food? Remember all those advices I gave you about work that you never once considered or took?

I don't quite think you remember those times because you will only remember the bad things of people, and never the good ones that they had done for you.

In my life, I thought I was the most selfish individual on earth. I care nothing but for myself. But in these two years, I learn to care about others and it feels good to do good things for other people too.

My patience for you had worn off since December of last year but I hang on to it because I thought I could still take your bullshit. But today I realised that I just couldn't. There are limits in my patience and you broke almost ten layers of it and I'd decided that this is the final straw. I cannot patronise you anymore.

Dear you,

Today when I said I am sorry that I couldn't bring you out to celebrate your belated birthday because I am as broke as an empty shell now, you didn't even bother to reply. I asked myself, 'What the fuck was that?"

Am I obligated to buy you lunch/dinner? Did you have voucher written "Suwa must buy me belated birthday meal"? Did I signed a contract saying that I HAVE to buy you a meal?

I don't think so.

You had angered me immensely because this is not the first time you did this to me. This is many many times. Let me ask you, bring my mother to body check up more important or bring you out for lunch more important? What about this? Accompany dad in the city because his hand is broken more important or bringing you out for lunch more important?

I think you should know the answer. First of all, I said I might bring you out for a meal to celebrate your 22nd but heck, I can fucking delay it all I want because I am the one paying, not you and I currently have no money so why should I use my credit card just to make you happy? Who do you think you are?

Secondly, if you had replied me this afternoon about this matter, you may get this sentence coming afterwards - "What about we go out to celebrate the coming Christmas and New Year next month instead? I'll buy you a meal that then okay?" But you never replied, so yes! I get to save more money to my next year's Japan trip!

Thirdly, you think you are cool and mysterious by not replying other people's message and SMS? No, fuck, no. You just look like someone who has no manners at all. No matter how busy I am with work, I will still reply other people's messages to me. Worse come to worse, I will just tell them that I am REALLY busy, so TTYL.

But you don't even have the manners to do that.

Dear you,

I just want you to know that nobody owes you anything. No. Nobody. Nobody owes you anything in this world. Nobody need to pay their 'debt' to you. Why did I say this? Because your behaviour acts as if everyone need to give you something all the time. People need to fetch you around. People need to give your presents. People need to give you souvenirs.

You were demanding since you were nine and you still are. Those little letters we wrote to each other during our childhood, I still remember my sister asked me why did you demand gifts from me? I told her that it was because your birthday is coming. My sister told me that it is not nice to ask for presents from other people. Apparently nobody ever taught you that.

Dear you,

We are both the youngest in the family. We both think the world revolves around us. But I grew out of it. Now I knew that the I live for the world, not the world live for me. If I die, there won't be any difference to the world. Same applies to you, my dear.

My days don't revolve around you. My work don't revolve around you. My money certainly don't revolve around you. I have my plans and I won't let the smallest thing ruin my plans.

If you think that everyone on earth is created to serve you, then you are wrong. You are very very wrong. However, I suspect that there are indeed people who are devoting their entire lives to serve you, give you praises and materials all the time, otherwise you wouldn't be who you are now.

But I just want you to know that, I personally don't care what's going on with you. I used to be very caring. I would ask you what's going on with your life. What's going on at your work place? What's happening that made you sad? But I stopped early this year because you emotional havoc created such nuisance to me and it made me feel stressed as well.

Why did it make me stressed and tensed up? Because you think I am stupid. Well, I do think I am stupid too. Afterall, I am not the one with a diploma or degree. I am just a low-life worker who had nothing to prove. That is why you don't think anything I said is right at all. Of course, not everything I said is right, but you never even considered my opinions for a second. That shows how much respect you have for me. Zero.

You on the other hand is an overachiever. Attentions were thrown at you since you were a child secondary school. You thought you are destined to create a huge impact to the world.

Then you lost all the attention when you entered college and you got depressed because you couldn't accept the fact that you are not 'special' anymore. But the truth is, nobody is special in this world, except for the disabled and mentally handicapped.You just didn't get to know the truth at all. I hope you know now.

Dear you,

Ask yourself, have you ever thought of driving your car to my place and fetch me out for a drink? Have you ever thought of bringing me out for a ride if I am unhappy? Have you ever thought of buying me a meal for my birthday? Have you ever thought of doing all those things I did for you for the past two years?

Sometimes, you need to think that you are not the only one in this world who had to work. You are not the only one  in the world who need to pay bills. You are not the only one in the world who get stuck in the traffic jam. You are not the only one who are going through hardship.

In fact, I went through it already and I went through it without anyone's help. I never told my family what problems I had and I tried my best to solve my problems. And I did .

You just need to know that there are millions and billions of people out there. One less of you is not going to change the world. One less of me isn't going to change the world either. We are not special. We are not heaven-sent. We are just one of the seven billions human on earth.

You think you are going through shit now, lets sit down and think of a solution instead of mourning your situation. If mourning or praying is going to help, then you will not have any problems right now.

Dear you,

My thoughts for you are long gone. I no longer want to be a part of your life adventure. I knew I never really mattered to you anyway.

From my point of view, you only talk to me if you need someone to fetch you around town or when I offered you a lift and a meal. Case A: You beat around the bush for half an hour just waiting for me to offer you a lift to the book sale. Also noted in this case- mtv world stage. Case B: You never msn me for so long but after the day I suggested to bring your out to celebrate, you msn-ed me twice that week and that is fucking rare of you.

From where I stand, you treat me no more than just a driver or whatever. I did everything you asked me last year. I could go through hours of traffic jam just to get to your place. But I never did these things once this year because I know what you are up to.

Everyone is just a tool to you, isn't it? No one really mattered to you, isn't it? You only care about yourself and nobody else is important to you, isn't it?

I wanted to help you out but you never cared for my opinions or advices anyway. I know that is because - to you, I am always the stupid one who doesn't know anything, who doesn't understand anything. Yeah, I don't understand anything at all. I am stupid like that.

I tried to be nice but this is the kind of feedback I have every single time I tried. So, you know what? I give up. I would rather have no friends than friends like you and the others who ever respected me as a person.

Dear you,

This letter is long and I doubt that you even read any of this. But I just want to let you know that, you are now no longer a piece of puzzle in my life. I'd lost you because I am never really an important piece in your life puzzle too. So, vice versa.

We are two persons of different worlds. You live in yours and I live in mine. I never owed you anything and you never owe me anything (technically, you do owe me petrol money - quite a lot of it). So, this is the day everything ends.

I thank you for being an example of human being which I do not want to emulate. But at least, I learn a lot from you. I learnt how not to be you. Therefore, Thanks. I hope we will never meet again.


sincerely and truthfully,
me.

:: stitched on` ::*|23:06|

:: [0] care[s] ::

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:: ..it is me.. ::
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Ailurophile. Irascible. Desultory. Furtive.

Me

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June
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::..Wishes.. ::
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