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Thursday, 17 November 2011

[ ..impression.. ]

Now that the year is ending, I find myself reflecting early this year very often. 2011. How swift does time pass?

Early this year I find myself trying to impress people who aren't at all that important to me. I was trying so hard that it lowered my self confidence even lower than before and it was a crucially painful period for me at that time. By the end of June, I couldn't take it any longer that I told myself that this is my life and there isn't any point in trying to impress people who clearly doesn't care who you are, what you do and  how you will end up.

I cut off so many ties in June and July this year. It wasn't just the few new pals I had in the beginning of 2011, but also plenty others who were basically strays in my life and I let them stray for too many years. I cut them off just like how you snap your fingers. Just like that. It's very easy for me, really.

Sometimes I wonder if it's really good to have such cold heart like mine. Cold and indifferent heart. I can delete anyone from my mind as easy as deleting numbers from my phone. In fact, one of the rituals I partake in deleting humans from my life is to delete their phone numbers first. If you do not find your number in my phone, that means you are nothing to me. Even my cat has a spot in my phone.

But from what I experienced, it is easier to be the bad guy than the good one because the one being nice all the time is also the one who feels hurt the most. I don't want to be hurt anymore. I fell into the friendship trap for so many times that I could really die from the bad that comes with the good in friendships.

I can never understand how the whole friendship thing works and I think it is best if I stay alone, or just have someone as crude as I am to be friends with. Like my colleague, WJ.

Honestly, I loathed her in the beginning. However, I realised how much in common I am with her. Maybe not in a lot of ways, but we are very similar in the friendship field. We can never find good friends. And when we do, there are the bad that comes with it that we cannot accept.

There might be times when I bicker with her over trival things but I enjoy how we manage to keep an open mind even when we do not have the same interest and thoughts on things.

I find out that she is the only one I can be totally honest with. I can tell her anything, just anything and instead of being angry about things that she doesn't agree with, she would tell me how she feels and I can compare thoughts that way, see things differently that way. And this goes vice versa for both of us.

What I feel about friendship is that we should be able to say what we want in front of each other without the fear of hurting each other's feeling. We should be able to have a chance to voice our thoughts and nobody will take offend in our words.

But superficial friendships doesn't work that way. You need to constantly lie to be in each other's good book. I don't want to be in anyone's good book. I just want to be an honest person, that's it. Why is it so hard to be an honest person and to be a friend at the same time?

The good book in friendship shouldn't even exist in the first place. Why should I lie about how you look in that dress or why should I shut up when I can clearly see a problem in your decision-making or action?

If you think my words hurt, why don't you consider that I am trying to help you out instead of just pointing out your flaw? If you cannot accept your own flaw then how are you going to improve in your life?

Maybe you don't need my help, you'd say. Then why did you tell me your problems in the first place? You just want me to listen? I am not one of those dumb bitches who just sit there and listen and say "I don't know how to help you, but here's a hug awwww" .

If I think there is something wrong, I will point it out and I will help you to solve it. That's how I work.

Unfortunately that is also my flaw because as many would say, this is none of my business. But you know what? If it is none of my business in the first place, then don't fucking tell me your problems because my brain likes to help people. And if you don't appreciate my help a.k.a. my harsh true words, then don't tell me anything.

Personally, I feel like I failed as a friend if I don't help. But apparently 'help' is not welcome in friendships, no no. Not as welcomed as lies, apparently.

I won't give you encouragements like 'you can do it' or 'no, you are not stupid!'. I will give you the truth. I will only give you the truth and that is it. If I find myself lying to my friends, I will feel like I am making the situation worse for them.

I might give you encouragements, but it always come after a string of harsh truth about you before I say it.

But nobody in this world can accept it. Nobody.

.
.
.

It is now mid November nearing December. One year is passed and another year is coming. I wonder what lies ahead of me. I wish I can stop making the same mistakes as I make every single year. That is finding new friends. I don't need new friends. I don't need friends, honestly. I've had enough of those.

Sometimes, I feel like animals can understand me better than any human could. Maybe I am still going pass the whole complicated human adult era. Maybe one day I can finally get what goes on with the typical superficial human interactions. Maybe one day I can be in a typical superficial friendship with somebody around too?

But I highly doubt it. I would rather be in the rank of aliens or supernatural being than to be on the same rank as people who lies to be nice or people who thinks that friendship is all about being nice to each other.

I don't think I can ever be nice to anyone. I'm just mean. I'm just a very very mean human being. Maybe I am not even a homo sapien. I might be some sort of mutated alien stuck in the body of a human.

Maybe that is why I don't understand human beings. Maybe that is why I could never blend in. Maybe that is why I will forever be alone.

Maybe that is why I need to get two hamsters next month so that I will have more furry companions around me. I might just be a hamster myself. Or a cat. Cold and indifferent cat. Just minding its own business. Just being alive without any reasons.

Maybe that is why I am breathing now.

:: stitched on` ::*|00:54|

:: [0] care[s] ::

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:: ..it is me.. ::
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Ailurophile. Irascible. Desultory. Furtive.

Me

:: ..Type Here.. ::
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:: ..Tick Tock.. :: --------------------------------------

:: ..Calender 2013.. ::

June
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::..Wishes.. ::
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~ eternal financial stability, bitch
~ Tokyo solo 2013
~ to Japan, I go for second time!
~ to Japan, I go!
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~ new camera!
~ a studio home
~ publish a novel/short stories compilation


:: ..Crédits.. ::
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