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Sunday, 30 October 2011

[ ..unravel.. ]

I realised today that as much as I love spontaneity, every action and decisions that I do are very planned and have to go through levels of consideration and brainstorms. Even the slightest and easiest ideas.

I don't wake up one morning and say "Hey, lets go to the beach!" or "Hey, lets have a picnic at the park!" or "Hey, lets go to Japan again next year during spring and lets book the flight, hotels NOW!"

Whenever I'm forced to be spontaneous, I will have a tremendous nervous breakdown and strings of panic attacks that follows.

Why did I say 'forced'?

For the past month since I came back from my Japan trip, I made purchase of flight tickets and hotel bookings for next year - a six months later, yet another anticipated- Japan trip. I'm bringing my parents along, so there are lot of money spent right there. And that is why I am in the brink of declaring bankrupt now.

So, why the rushed decision and actions? This is not the typical me. Not at all. I plan things. This is not planned at all. We haven't even applied for visa yet and we have no idea whether we can get pass through that or not.

The reason for this is that I am under the instructions of my sister. Yes. The spontaneity mistress in my family.

For the past month, I was rushed to do so many things that I won't do without thinking about it. Make purchase this and that for next year's trip. GO back to hometown, come back to the city. GO back to hometown again, come back to the city again. Said go back to hometown and go to hadyai, then cancel suddenly both but didn't even inform me.

My brain was thrown around in a maze and I am utterly confused by all these sudden actions and unnecessary spontaneity. I feel sick. I feel like vomiting, as if I'm having car sick or something.

Extra lines appears around my eyes area, my eyeballs sunk, pimples and acne taking advantage of my stress. I  wake up everyday fearing more confusions and more spontaneous actions and suggestions from my sister.

I am put into such a horrifying maze of confusion that my insomnia came back. I do not dare to fall asleep because when I do, I still find myself in nerve-wrecking situations or doing things that my sister would suddenly instruct me to. Then, my spine hurts so much I could barely sit, stand or walk properly.

I feel as if my whole body is dying slowly and my brain is malfunctioning so badly recently. I could barely remember what assignments I have or what I have to do. I don't realise how fast time passes me by and at times, I thought I was stuck on the same day, doing the same thing.

I got disillusioned by the passing days and at times, I thought my dreams were real and my daily life is a dream. Hallucinations took over my mind at times.

I had the biggest nervous breakdown at an event lately that I had to hide in an isolated exit staircase in the shopping mall to cry my heart out and stop my hands and feet from trembling.

At that moment I was so afraid for myself and kept asking myself 'what the fuck is happening to me?!'.

I couldn't think properly anymore, I cannot convey my mind anymore, I cannot even function normally anymore.

This past month had been a horror to me and I wish it to end as soon as I step into November.

I cannot be pressured to do things that hasn't been planned or thought about. When I am pressured, I lost all my sense and my nerves break lose.

I just need to calm down now and figure things out slowly. I cannot take another spontaneous decisions now. I might just die from it sooner or later.

This post is pretty amazing. It has a total of 43 'I's in it. It has reached the top level of selfishness, self-indulge, self-pity and self-everything. Well, it is... my blog and nobody reads it anyway. It doesn't really matter. So, I shall end this post with an amazing song from my own goddess of music.


Goodnight...

:: stitched on` ::*|03:25|

:: [0] care[s] ::

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:: ..it is me.. ::
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Ailurophile. Irascible. Desultory. Furtive.

Me

:: ..Type Here.. ::
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:: ..Calender 2013.. ::

June
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::..Wishes.. ::
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~ eternal financial stability, bitch
~ Tokyo solo 2013
~ to Japan, I go for second time!
~ to Japan, I go!
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~ new camera!
~ a studio home
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