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Wednesday, 31 August 2011

[ ..post #666.. ]

Many moons ago I was such an unhappy person. If you want me to choose one thing that makes me feel the worse in my life, is when I am under-appreciated.

When I started working, I felt under-appreciated by my boss and everyone else in the office. I have no idea how to find my ways in the city as I grew up in another state's small town. I got lost so many times that I would cry my heart out in the car when I'm lost and late for assignments.

It wasn't just going to events and writing for me back then. The horror of the city maze added even more stress to my mind and body. I had so much to take care of when I was just a stupid kid trying to make a decent living in the city. Then, my existence in office was basically uncared for that I felt really abandoned and don't belong at all. I felt as if nobody cared that I got lost en route to assignment and nobody could see how much effort I put in for this.

But then I asked myself, why should anyone care? Why do everyone need to appreciate 'my effort'? Everyone is putting their own efforts in the company and why do I need to be appreciated by my boss when I am already paid to do what I am suppose to do? My effort is equivalent to what I am already paid, so why did I ask for so much more?

I was a young kid in the city and I thought the world revolves around me. And everyone should acknowledge my being. If I can time-travel back to two years ago, I would smack myself in the face and slam my head to the ground for being such a stupid and selfish kid.

But yet, I went through that phase and learn that appreciation can come in many forms and as Asians, we are not known to show our feelings out loud.

I didn't feel that way anymore until mid of this year when I was, well somehow joined a group of fashionistas to do something that never really in my book - Fashion.

Initially, we were a close-knitted gang who indulge in the same interest and would love to go further in that line of interest. And on a two-night road trip, one of us came up with an idea and all of us were extremely excited for it. When the idea is formed, we brainstormed for a group name.

After an hour or so, I gave them a name and all of them agreed on it. And then there were many other stuff that I suggested too. They wanted to open a fashion store on our own, more than just a shop, a cafe for all of us to hang out when we are free. All we wanted was just the place where we can sit around and enjoy everyone's company. Opening a store was their dream. Becoming more famous on the blogosphere was their dream.

Then, everything goes on to a serious mode and we started to make things happen. The blog was done by our leader and she did a great job. The blog serves as a purpose of getting readers to learn more of our fashion interest and gain more 'fans' so that when we open our store, people will definitely come even if we are situated in some dingy place.

Then to commemorate the launch of our team, we shot a video. Ideas were thrown around and none of us want to speak in front of the camera because we hated how the other 'fashionistas' spoke pretentiously on camera and it annoys the hell out of us. Then, I came up with stop-motion video and they all agreed on it.

The video was shot in one day with over a thousand photos taken that day. And while three of us do not have the software to edit the video, we left it on the hand of our leader and another teammate. But turns out the other teammate couldn't do nuts, so it was left it to our leader to finish editing with much difficulties.

In just about twenty days, leader rushed us to launch the blog. Leader is a very very impatient person, but we ourselves were excited for the launch as well. So, we agreed and we successfully gained much views on our first blog post that we actually gotten the notice of some important people in the industry too.

But what came after that was less magical. We never really discuss what do we want to publish on our blog. That is the first mistake. Nobody really talked about 'what should we write to gain more readerships?'. So, I took the initiative to give them the idea that we each take turns to write a post on anything related to our line of interest and post them on blog to share our minds to our readers. That's basic journalism. How do you gain readership unless you write something?

Of all five, I was the one with least fashion knowledge but somehow, I volunteered to be the one who write the first few posts for our blog because I wanted to help. I wanted to help so badly because I felt as if I couldn't do much to help them. So, I volunteered but still, I told them to take turns to write posts because the blog is a team effort and I alone cannot manage the blog by myself because I have my own real job to attend to.

The next five months or so was so difficult for me and I almost lose my job because of this un-paid gig. Why?

For five months, I was the only one who manage the blog as well as our e-mail inbox. Since I am the writer for the blog, I might as well just help them with replying e-mails right?

When I left the team in July, there was a total of 42 blog posts in the blog and 38 posts were written by me from the five-month free-service I gave them. Don't forget, while writing for them, I also have my job to attend to.

In that five months, whenever I asked them to help write something for the blog, none of them will lift up their fingers for it. The reasons they gave me were so funny indeed. 'I have no idea what to write about' is the one that I got most often.

Well, darling. I don't have anything to write about either but still, I came up with so many posts. I wasn't even so hardworking for my job, seriously.

I understand that leader is a working person too, but erm, I am working too, right? If leader is tired of working, what makes them think that I am not tired from work too? But she never really helped with the blog or even checking the e-mails often.

Then the others... I didn't even rush them to write anything. I just asked them to contribute at any time they want. Just a post per week. That is all.

When they do help, I will edit their posts before posting up on the blog. Grammar mistakes, fonts and words usage. Making the posts easier to understand and of course, gain interests.

By then, I was managing the blog, the e-mail account and doing editing job too; while they will sell clothes online and at bazaars occasionally. That is a tad bit of unfairness, don't you think? Let me just compare how unfair it is.

I write posts, reply comments on blog. I check the e-mail daily, in fact, the first e-mail I open everyday was the team's e-mail. Not even my personal and work e-mail. Then, I will find more inspirations and learn more about fashion so that I can write on the blog. I even open up a facebook page for the group and yes, it added up to my work load too coz I have to manage the page to keep everyone interested. At the same time, I am working for my boss, handling two assignments daily.

On their part, leader couldn't online from work, so she just concentrate on work. By the time she reach home, she will complain what stress she had to handle from her boss or housemates. And she is always too tired to do anything else after that.

Another who is taking care of her sister's shop at that time, do not have a broadband at store, so it's okay that she didn't contribute even one post.

One more, I have no idea what she does everyday, maybe she is busy. Maybe she is not. I have not the slightest idea.

Then, the one at university. The one who spends her time on tumblr, trying to be a hipster so badly. The one who reblogs every single thing on earth. The one who acts as if she is still 16 years old when she is already 24. The one who hashtag every single songs she listen to because she puts auto-tweet on her itunes or whatever. The one who wanted to be everything- chef, artist, tailor, etc.

So, there I was handling two jobs at one time. Didn't complain a single thing to them. But whenever I have to ask them to contribute to their own blog, I felt as if I was asking for their 'help'. Why do I need to ask for their 'help'? Aren't help is always there in a team work? Why do I feel as if I was the only one who handle everything for the blog and business?

Owning a store isn't my dream. Being famous on the net isn't my dream either. So, why am I the only one doing all these things? For them?

I reached my first breaking point when I went outstation for work. I told them to update blog as well as check the e-mails when I was away because, it was just three days and I will be back on my station after that.

When I came back from work, to my horror, the e-mail was untouched for three days and there were some important e-mails to reply too. I was so angry beyond words. I couldn't even tell you how pissed off I was at that moment.

It was just THREE days that I was away. And they couldn't even bother to check the mail ONCE? Okay, lets say it slips off their minds. Then may I ask how come it slips off their mind when THIS is their business, this is their dream? It isn't mine, you know. It's theirs. And I helped because I wanted to contribute at least a little. I didn't know I have to be a fulltime unpaid manager, you know?

I didn't want to make a fuss, so I just swallowed these in and just resume to whatever I need to do. Yes, including back to the station where I became their slave. At that moment, I was so stressed and depressed because I had so much to do with two different jobs.

I don't understand it at all. They acted as if I was suppose to do everything for them. Of course, they will say thank you occasionally but I truly felt under-appreciated back then.

One of the things that makes me feel worse is when we have to attend bazaars in group. These buyers will come to our stalls and gush over leader and the others. They asked for photos desperately and acted like they had seen a huge superstar.

But nobody ever noticed me. Not that I want to be in the centre of attention. It's just that, nobody ever noticed me. I was always at the background. I was always the fat and ugly one. I was the one who doesn't dress up as cute as the others. When photos of us pops up on our facebook page, tonnes of praises will be thrown to everyone else and nobody will ever mention me.

There it goes. The ultimate under-appreciation. There I was, working day-to-day to manage the e-mail, blog and facebook page, and nobody even acknowledged my existence. I suspect there were people who hated me too because I am so ugly that I might spoil the entire team's image.

I was the one who replied 'fans' comments. I was the one who talk to organisers through e-mail. I also corresponded with some blog readers. But in the end, when you see them in real life, they won't even notice your existence.

There were so many underlying problems with the team that I feel I am not really needed to be in it. There were times when decisions were made without enquiring my opinions and at times, even the other four members do not acknowledge my existence. I am obviously not an important figure in the team.

Also, I never wanted to indulge myself in fashion. I was never a fashionista or whatever. I just love to have fun and enjoy life. I thought my help worth a lot to them but it never really was.

When I left the team, I think they were actually glad because the 'bossy' figure in the team is not around to boss them anymore.

They fail to understand that whatever I asked them to do at that time, is all for them. I just wanted to help them to reach the kind of fame in the industry that they always wanted.

Do you think that it is for me? No. Why would I? I would be caught dead by my boss if he knew I was so busy doing something else out there. Afterall, I am paid to do my job, while I got nuts for helping the team. But he did once lectured me about my working ethic because I was always late to submit my articles because I was too busy managing the team.

When I compare this under-appreciation to the under-appreciation I felt two years ago for work, I do not think that I am wrong in anyway. I have the right to be angry this time because I am not obliged to help them. I am not paid to do what they wanted me to do. I was not signed to help them. The only thing that I get from them is some discount when I buy their clothes.

But why did I help them? Because they were my friends. This is the only time when I wasn't being selfish and actually work so hard for other people. But when they turn their back on you even when you asked for their help, you should know that it is time to let go.

There are a lot of more things that made me left the team and most of them are because I couldn't stand how immature and naive some of them are. Out of the four of them, only one is the most sensible and knows how to handle things well and another is just a young soul who still don't know what she want to do in life.

One just couldn't wait to get married and stop working so hard for a living. And another who thought she is the hippest of the hipsters, is just the epitome of immaturity. For someone who is 24 going on 25, it is just unacceptable for her to be so immature.

But it doesn't matter anymore because I had distanced myself from them. I wish I could still be friends with them but they caught me at the worse moment ever. When I left the team, I just wanted silence and serenity  because I was so busy and  had so much work to catch up with.

But I think it's best that we go separate ways because we don't exactly have the same visions in life. They have theirs and I have mine. At least mine consists of working hard for it, than waiting for someone else to realise the dream for them.

This is the story that I had wanted to write for a long time. And I think it is time to just let it go completely.

This is my side of story. Nothing is as pretty as we always wanted it to be. I wish I have a pretty friendship but it is difficult when things like this are involved. I still wish we never started the team. Then we might still be friends now.

The team signifies nothing. It's just an empty shell of a dream. And the dream is out there, never confined, fleeting away as you try your best to chase it.

Every dream, every aspiration, every ambitions need a certain amount hard work that you need to put in yourself. There isn't anyone out there to help you. But when you find someone who are willing to help, please don't stand there and wait. Do give your share of help and lets realise the dream together. It is your dream after all. So, don't expect other people to help you without you contributing anything.

So, that's all I wanted to say.

This is my Thr5t story. Goodnight.

p.s.: hipster-wannabe still owes me rm50 from the rm100 she borrowed from me since early april.
I don't even need the 50 bucks, but it really is just the matter of courtesy. She came from a rich family with a huge pretty bungalow but she couldn't return a mere rm50 to a working-class me. This will be the last time I will ever lend anything to anyone.

:: stitched on` ::*|23:36|

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:: ..it is me.. ::
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Ailurophile. Irascible. Desultory. Furtive.

Me

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:: ..Calender 2013.. ::

June
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::..Wishes.. ::
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~ eternal financial stability, bitch
~ Tokyo solo 2013
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~ to Japan, I go!
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~ new camera!
~ a studio home
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