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Tuesday, 11 October 2011

[ ..20 years.. ]

I have been very very lucky to be hired two years ago. I had nothing to offer my company at all. There are some companies that want the paper, there are companies that want your experience instead.

I have none of both things.

I spent one and a half year- halfheartedly studying in Form 6, thinking that the luck that had been following me since UPSR, PMR and SPM, will still lingers until my university years. But the university years never came.

During that one and a half year of my final school days, I was bogged down by family problems so much that I couldn't concentrate on anything at all. I wanted to quit schooling but my father had high hopes on me. In fact, he had been waiting for me to wear the square hat more than my other siblings. I do not want to fail him, but in the end I did.

I'd never been the studious type. I was never serious in anything I do. All I ever did in school was trying my best not to fail anything, that's all. Occasionally when luck favours me, I will be granted a couple of As. I said that because I never really studied hard for anything. Except for that one time when I really wanted to understand mathematics that I managed to go from Fail to A1.

I was never interested in studies. It's a bore to me. All we ever did was sitting there and read or write. We never had any interesting activities or school trips. Even if there are school trips, I cannot afford to pay for it, so I always ended up missing out on trips. But when my friends came back and told me what they did, I did not feel like I had missed anything important at all.

I think this mentality of mine that the paper doesn't really matter came to my mind since I was 12 or 13. My sister is a very clever person but she didn't manage to get into any universities too. But that was because she enrolled herself in Form 6 only because my father insisted her so. To think of it, I pretty much went through the same thing as she did.

When I was 13 till 17, I witnessed how my sister worked her way up from being a sale girl to a manager of a beauty department. The knowledge that she picked up on her way sound far more interesting than handling in assignments in universities. It was around that age that I realised that I am much more suited to work than to study.

To study, for me, is such a waste of time because I will never achieve anything extraordinary than just not failing. I'm not the straight-As type, and I knew that if I ever go into any universities, I will have a tough life adjusting.

When I saw STPM results in early 2009, I wasn't surprised. I knew it's going to end up that way. Truth be told, I had given up my STPM right before my exams started. I knew that this will not bring me anywhere. But for some reasons, I still lingers around the hope that some universities might take me in.

The only reason that I hope I could get into university is for my father. Since I was a child, he thought that I have the most potential to be a graduate. A degree holder. I really do not want to disappoint him but when I saw the website blaring the words that formed into a meaningless consolation that I couldn't get in into any universities, my heart crashed into tiny little pieces.

I personally did not care. But my heart ached for my father. For a moment I did not know how to tell him about it. I looked at my phone for a few minutes. I had to call him no matter what, and so I did.

I still can remember the hush of disappointment in his voice. It was heartbreaking but I tried my best to laugh it off. He started blaming me on not studying properly for it but later he knew that there is nothing can be done and we said solemn goodbyes.

Then, I went into a deep depression that lasted almost two months. I compiled a resume which bares nothing at all, sent it out and sit at home, waiting for calls. The only thing I know how to do is to write. I had always wanted to be a journalist since I was 16 and I sent my resume to all publications I knew.

For weeks nobody responded to me. One big publication house contacted me and ask me to attend an interview. I was very happy to go but they didn't respond to me after my interview. I guess, they only want people with big personalities. I was extremely quiet during my interview because I was so nervous.

Then, a week later I have another interview with another company, and they weren't interested in the first place. But the interviewer offered a lot of good advices to me. He asked me why do I want to be a writer? I told him: "I only know how to write." "But this isn't just about knowing how to write, you know?" he said.

Then, he told me how he never graduated from tertiary educations and how he also said the same sentence "I only know how to write' to his then-editor. He told me that tertiary education isn't at all that important, but we need the experience to make up for it. He read a short article that I wrote for the interview and told me that my command of the language isn't at all that great. He told me to go to college first, a statement which I promptly replied to him that I do not have the finances to do that.

He told me to apply for scholarship, and I once again told him that my results aren't at all that spectacular. And I think I needed work to support my current financial situation than to spend on studies. I wasn't even ashamed of how desperate I sound or look at that moment. I had much more to think about than that.

He then told me to consider studying first before embark in the working world. I told him firmly once more that I don't need studies, I just need to be able to support myself. I was 20 years and a month old.

I went home and cried myself to sleep that night. I will never find work at this rate, I thought to myself. The money in my bank was then starting to dry. All the money I saved since I was a teenager and from my part time job early that year was shedding away slowly.

That was when I started to sleep during the day and wake up at midnight and do nothing except playing online games. I wished to see no one except for my cat. I couldn't face my family at all.

The next day after my second interview, the interviewer called me. He said that he will introduce me to his colleague and see if he will take me in as they are desperately in need of a new writer. I jumped in happiness, thinking that if there is a second chance, the chanced of me getting hired is bigger!

So, I went for the third interview of my life and the second interviewer from the company acknowledged that my writing still needs improvements. I gladly agree. I do not remember much from this interview but I do remember that I asked him at the end of the interview, "So, am I hired?". He said, most probably.

Then I went home feeling happy. Then, no calls to me for the next two weeks. I thought I did not get the job and once again drowned in a pool of darkness.

But out of a sudden, one day I received the call that they decided to hire me after all and ask me to start working on the next Monday. I did not know how to feel at that swift moment. It was only after I hang up the phone that I jumped up and down in glee. I had nothing to offer but they hired me? This has to be luck.

I did not even care about the salary, because peanuts are worth a world to me at that time. So, right there and then, I was signed on to my first working experience ever and it still hasn't end till today.

It has been two years and a month since the first day I walked into this office and I can only tell you that I feel as if I have aged twenty years instead of two.

I am happy that I insisted on work instead of study because if I had chosen to study at that time, I will only graduate in 2014 now and have a 30k loan plus no financial stability. I will not have the chance to experience Japan as I did last month.

There are many ups and downs in these two years but I appreciate all of them because I had learn more than any colleges and universities can offer me. I do not need to wear a square hats or be teacher's pet to have a steady life.

Most of all, I can see that my father has been very proud of me in the past year. He wasn't at all that agreeing to me working but he seems to have accepted that and he no longer had to worry about me. I think that is all I need in life. I don't want my father to worry about me and I'd got it. I only need that in life.

Why am I not talking much about my mother? Well, she doesn't care much really. She doesn't care if I got into universities or not. She doesn't care if I am slumming at home not doing anything. She doesn't have any hopes for us at all. I don't really know what she wants or do not want from us, and all I can say is that she just do not care much for anything. That is why, whatever I do, I do not have to be afraid that I will disappoint her or not. Coz she just don't care.

But still, I guess she is proud of me too, just that she doesn't know how to express that out. Well, I hope that she is proud of me. At least, be happy for me lah! Cis.

Anyway, I have to say that I really love doing what I had been doing for the past two years. I feel a little bad today, that's why I need to write down this post, just to remind myself, how lucky I am. But then, as far as luck goes, I have to say that me lasting this long in this company is pretty much my own effort too. Luck brought me here, but the rest of the road, I still need my hard work to continue it. Therefore, what I have now is a combination of tiny bit of luck and huge chunk of it is from myself.

I learn so much from these two years. I used to be a very selfish prick who doesn't care much for anyone else and all I ever wanted in life is wealth. This is no longer the case. All I want now is great health for my parents and cat, and hope that they will never have to worry about me anymore.

That is all I ever want from life now.

I am now 22 going on 23.

:: stitched on` ::*|19:00|

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:: ..it is me.. ::
Ailurophile. Irascible. Desultory. Furtive.


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:: ..Calender 2013.. ::


::..Wishes.. ::
~ eternal financial stability, bitch
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:: ..Crédits.. ::
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