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Monday, 4 July 2011

[ ..gym-phobia.. ]

I am trying to be a little bit healthier by going to the gym. The gym at my place is not that great anyway. Three treadmills are broken, I don't even dare to inspect the others. But the bicycle thingy still fine to use.

I got a little gung ho this morning as I dressed myself in a loose t-shirt, sweatpants and trainers. Brought along with me a little towel, a bottle of water and my mp3 player which I will use to motivate myself to cycle more or whatever.

Then I took the elevator down and head towards the gym. I passed by two skinny girls on my way to the gym. They both looked at me in a way that I can only tell is basically "Urgh, why is this fat ass going to the gym? She can't be helped!"

Then, I opened the gym door, about ten thousand people (okay lah, I like to exaggerate! about 4 people) in the gym looked at me abruptly.

My response? Close the door immediately and ran back to the elevator. Go back upstairs and into my house.

Me overreacting? Yes, maybe. Perhaps. But you have no idea how scared I am of the gym. Not because of the regime, not because of the cruel exercise (in fact, I love to jog on the treadmill and cycle!) but because of the people.

Personally, people who go to gym are some holy moly health freaks. They think they are better than everyone on earth coz they are healthier. But they fail to understand that they will die anyway.

And I never seen a fat ass bum like me going into a gym before. For some reasons, gym freaks are always skinny or muscular and definitely does not look like I do.

If not because I started to feel breathless as I run to catch a bus or walking up the stairs, I wouldn't go to the gym. I just want to be healthier. Of course I want to be slimmer than now, but mostly because I think my heart is starting to fail me. And I just turned 22 not long ago.

I have no idea why people like to stare at the fattest person in the gym or whatever place. I guess it's because we stood out like sore, fat and swollen thumb. But I guess they don't even realise that they are staring coz nobody ever realises that they are staring.

I am overly sensitive, I admit. But I really hate to exercise in the open. That is why I don't jog in parks near my house, I don't go to any gym, or do I join my sisters in aerobic classes.

Truth is, I hate to let people see my fat ass bouncing up and down in the public. I hate the stares. I hate how they look at me, point at me, whispers something to each other and laugh their ass off. I can already guess what they are saying. Trust me, I'd seen that happen.

I am an extremely paranoid person. I think things that way and it's difficult for me to change my paranoid behaviour.

I know you will tell me to, NOT care about those people. Just do what you think that is right. Why bother, right?

I can't. I just can't. I cannot bring myself to exercise in front of others. I cannot expose my bouncing boobs and bum to people. I cannot let people say anything- ANYTHING about me when I am working out. I wanted to go to the gym early in the morning like this because I thought there won't be anyone there. But I was wrong. And I met a bunch of skinny girls who looks like they are going to break a bone while they are cycling.

What about exercising in your own house? Inside the house? In your own compound, you ask.

If, I could, I won't be typing this to you right now. I cannot concentrate on exercise when I am in my home. Because I have the internet. I have a bed, I have chairs.

I did try to jog in one place just now, but I couldn't do more than 5 minutes and I switch on my computer. I have very little strong-will for exercise. I can stop myself from buying too much crap but I cannot make myself exercise for more than 5 minutes.

I wasn't even trying to be a skinny bitch. I just want to be healthy. Dammit. Gym people ruined it for me. I hate them! I should re-title Gym-phobia to Gymfreaksphobia.

Gosh, I really just want to be able to walk up the stairs or run around the mall without feeling like I am going to die in three seconds.

I shall find some other place where I can do my exercise quietly, listening to my mp3, alone and nobody staring at me.

I really feel like shite right now. Hope I will feel better later today. I shall get ready to work now. I hope you have a better morning than me.

Have a great day, folks.

:: stitched on` ::*|10:46|

:: [0] care[s] ::


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