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Thursday, 30 June 2011

[ ..emotions.. ]

I know I can make a storm out of a tea cup. I know how I can be over-paranoid or over-excited over some things.

Things that I get paranoid over may seem very foolish to you. But these things mean a world to me. That is why I care. That is why I sometimes go crazy over it.

My work, my job, my salary is important to me. Once in a while I will complain about some minor stuff about my work, but I never once said I hate my job. In fact, I love my work so much that I don't think I can ever find another one as interesting or as close-knit as this.

I will die if I ever lose this job due to some unlikely circumstances.

But then I thought to myself, I do not even deserve this job. I have zero qualifications. I feel so darn insecure with my position that I feel I will be fired or let go by my company if they find someone better than me.

To think of it, ANYONE is better than me. Anyone armed with a certificate is BETTER than me.

Who am I but a lowlife being who has zero knowledge on what she suppose to do on her job?

I am so insecure to the point that whenever interns are hired, I feel that the company might hire them permanently and kick me out of my comfy space- my second home. An intern can pose such horror in me, what more if a full-time staff?

A news broke out today that they are hiring somebody new to my department. Immediately I feel like the worse thing on earth.

I feel as if I am so useless that they need to hire another person to do my work.

I feel like my position is threaten and I will lose my job within two months. And all the hard work fighting for a higher salary for the past 17 months will have nothing to do with me anymore.

I feel like the whole friggin department hates me. There must be something wrong with me. Logically, hiring another person has absolutely nothing to do with me. I'm just being paranoid, I know.

I feel like I should just quit my job before they fire me. That is always how I do things. Quit before being told to. At least I won't feel as heart broken as getting fired.

If you think that I over-react this time around, please think. Anything can happen. Anything.

No matter how hard I work or how much I try to do better in my work, I still easily feel threaten. My insecurity is so bad I couldn't even find a way to cure it.

Now I feel empty. I don't know what to feel. I don't know what to think. Which is good because I should stop thinking about it.

I can hide in the toilet and cry all I want. I can drive around town and cry in my car. But that does not change a thing. I wish crying can help. I wish things will get easier. I wish they never hired another person. I wish I had tertiary education.

I wish I can feel something now. I wish I can smile and laugh, and actually feel happy. But I can't.

I think I just need a good night sleep and wake up feeling better about everything. I just... want to be able to feel something again.

I'm numb.

:: stitched on` ::*|23:28|

:: [0] care[s] ::

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Ailurophile. Irascible. Desultory. Furtive.

Me

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:: ..Calender 2013.. ::

June
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::..Wishes.. ::
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~ eternal financial stability, bitch
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