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Sunday, 15 May 2011

[ ..the usual.. ]

I think I am starting to enjoy my quiet weekend like this again. It had been a whirlwind four months and it took quite an emotional toll on me.

At one point I thought that I am going to lose my mind again. Turns out it's just another life experience for me and I shall take it nicely and learn from it.

Again and again I tell myself that there is nothing such as perfection in this world. Nobody is perfect, nothing is perfect. Sometimes, it just slipped my mind and makes me feel utterly lost because I once again couldn't find perfection in my life.

I yearn for perfection. But I myself, know that it doesn't exist. Sometimes, I am confused myself of what I really want in life. I can accept imperfection, but I really want everything to be perfect. Sometimes, imperfections puts me off. It's just one of those moments when I completely what forgot what the world is really about.

I know how some people really like to read some life-changing, great advices, etc in blogs. But unfortunately, you are stuck with a girl, lost in the big world, just like most of you.

There are no advices here. There are no inspirational quotes here. This blog is an empty canvas of a young adult, searching its way out of the complicated maze of life.

I wish I could be inspirational to others. I wish I could be the positive persona on the internet. But I am not one of those people who open a blog to tell others to be confident of themselves, or continuously provide inspirational quotes to them. I am not one of those perfect people.

If anything, my blog is a pathetic, self-centered and whiny little space. If you want to count how many 'I' used in this blog, I'll tell you to just give up, because you can never finish counting them.

I admit, I am very self-centered. My world only evolves around me, myself and my feelings. I couldn't care less about others especially those who crossed me some time in my short 21 years of life. Well, except for some who really means a lot in my world. Sometimes, my selfishness hurts them and I will feel so guilty to the point that I don't think I deserve to live in this world. I will feel so ashamed that I want to wind the clock back and be free of drama that I created myself.

But that is who I am. Self-centered and whiny. That is who I am in real life too. I am a pain in the ass to be with. You would think that someone who is selfish wouldn't know all these themselves. But I know. I know myself very much.

I wish I could change myself too and I had been trying very hard to compromise in every situation I am in. Of course, I learn how to feel for others and live in their shoes, on the way. But you cannot entirely change a person in a couple of years. I swear by myself that I will be able to be a compassionate and caring person one day but just now right now.

The thing is, in this world, I'd realised that most people live their lives according to other people. They changed entirely just to be a popular person, or more well-known in society. The worse is those who wants to be famous in the internet. That is the worse kind of human being.

They make themselves role models to others. They are their own role models. Well, it is not wrong for you to make yourself as a role model to YOURSELF, but when you are to the extend of pushing yourself into a perfect human being to other people, and tries so hard to be other people's role model, that is just so wrong.

The internet has become a powerful news source and learning playground for a lot of people, especially youngsters. If you find yourself one day, creating your own rules to be a better human being, then you should know that you are a phony.

For example, take this famous make up guru in youtube. I am sure you know who. Mind you, I really like her creativity but not necessarily her in person. She spread good words in her videos, she tells others to be confident of themselves, she live the life of a devout [insert religion], but we all know that she is not exactly the nicest person to hang out with. I wouldn't say she is the worse person on earth, just because she is bitchy (everyone is bitchy in this world), and she did mentioned that she is not the perfect role model in the world. I will say that she is the typical American. And I don't even care to explain it.

The thing is, she started off with the wrong foot. She played the good card and appeared to be a perfect human being. So, when the 'real' her surfaces, everyone started to doubt her, and some to the extreme, even hated her.

She is definitely not the worse human on earth. She told some white lies, likes to appear knowledgeable and perfect, gets defensive when criticised, insensitive ( in many cases, she promote things that are wayyyy too expensive for fans) and many more. The worse is that she paid too much attention on haters and not her fans. How many times did she mention about haters than her fans? We all know. And she likes to make herself the victim in most cases. But it doesn't mean that you can pick on her! She is just another imperfect human being trying to be perfect. So, don't need to pick on her! I sincerely don't think she is as bad as everyone trying to paint her.

The message here is, don't appear too perfect in the eyes and ears of your 'fans' or more accurately, 'followers'. When the real you appears on the surface, you will be hated by many.

That is why people like this certain female blogger. Albeit extremely bitchy and insensitive at most time, (I don't agree with everything she says) she is very truthful to herself and her readers. I know there are a lot of people who hate her, but I think her 'fans' are more than that.

Also, take yet another make up guru on youtube. She is the one who is extremely bubbly on her videos. Although her make up videos are not as creative as the former guru that I'd mentioned above, she doesn't mind to show you her crazy imperfections on her videos. The only thing I do not really like her about her is how she always mentioned her god in videos and blog posts and she can be overly positive. But the message she is trying to convey is not really religious. All these while she only tries to convey a positive outlook towards life to her followers. Which is nice.

So, I am just trying to say that I myself, cannot lie to myself to be a perfect human being. Nobody is flawless, in fact I am full of flaws. I can never be on of those people who are always spreading good words on the internet. I can never be the positive soul on the internet.

Let me learn my way to be a less imperfect person. Let me use my canvas as I wish. I just want to be a normal person, living a quiet life.

suwa.

:: stitched on` ::*|19:17|

:: [0] care[s] ::

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:: ..it is me.. ::
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suwas.jpg
Ailurophile. Irascible. Desultory. Furtive.

Me

:: ..Type Here.. ::
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:: ..pages i stalk.. ::
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..queen of mushrooms..
..best page on earth..


:: ..Tick Tock.. :: --------------------------------------

:: ..Calender 2013.. ::

June
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::..Wishes.. ::
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~ eternal financial stability, bitch
~ Tokyo solo 2013
~ to Japan, I go for second time!
~ to Japan, I go!
~ Canon G12
~ Superheadz Ultra Wide and Slim!
~ Superheadz Golden Half!
~ new camera!
~ a studio home
~ publish a novel/short stories compilation


:: ..Crédits.. ::
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