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Sunday, 5 December 2010

[ ..jeremy.. ]

I realised that I have an alternate life. Yes, my dream life. I have a separate life in my dream. So every night when I go to sleep, I don't exactly sleep. I live in another place in my head. (no, this is not inception)

My dream life is so wonderful. It's so perfect. I don't exactly remember what goes on in there but when I'm in it, I feel extremely happy then I feel super pissed because I have to be separated from that life.

For instance like today, I slept at 4am last night. But I only woke up at 7pm today. I slept for 15 hours. Not because I'm tired or anything. or because I slept late. But I know perfectly why. I do not want to wake up from that dream.

It was beautiful. I have a loving family. I have a wonderful job. I have enough money to spend. And I have someone who loves me. Someone who gives me a hug when I'm sad. Someone who cuddle me and wrap me up like a blanket when I feel cold. Someone who smells my hair when I rest my head on his chest when we are watching the tv.

Love. This may be what I deprive from my life.

I think the whole notion of being single has finally gets to me through my dream. Meh, I had been single for all my life, so I always thought, who cares if I am single for the rest of my life? But I do care from the inside of my brain. I think it has been hiding in some corner and finally pissed at my inability to share my sad life with someone else, and took control of my dreams.

The more I grow up the more I feel I lacked of love. My parents don't love me as much as they did when I was 6. My sisters never cared about me. My brother? ohoho funny.

I grew up in a girl school, practically. There is no sexual attraction there, of course. I spent my school days dealing with girl-on-girl crushes (does not include me) and there are some of them who are so extreme they have hair cuts similar to those they admired. Very the Single White Female indeed.

But I'm heavily influenced by my brother. I like whatever he likes. Therefore, when I was 4 to 10, Dragonballs are our childhood. Then when I turned 11, Initial D and South Park hopped on to our lives. Then 11 to 14 I listen to Slipknot, Korn and mostly, Nirvana coz those are my brother's influences.

When he left for college, I finally have my space to explore and I ended up with Ayumi Hamasaki and Norah Jones. Later, I went on to classical music, films scores and some others.

But as soon as I live together with my brother again, I'm back to Nirvana, Arctic Monkeys, Toe, Inspirative, The Black Keys and lord knows, and many more.

When I went out with a friend recently, we walked into a media store and we looked at a whole lot of animes and stuff. I pointed out to her that Dragonballs and Initial D are basically what I grew up with. Then she pointed out hers. All the shojo animes.

"Wow, your childhood are like a boy's childhood. Very shonen!" she exclaimed. FYI, she came from a girl school too.

IT got me thinking, oh yeah... Back in those days in school, all my school mates would talk about are which actor is the most good looking or which guy singer from a boyband is the cutest. While I just sit there and partly listened coz I have got no opinion on them.

As we grew up, they started talking about which boy from which school is dating which girl in our school. I didn't pay any attention. Coz I don't think it's any of my business. Until to this day, whenever they mention about a guy from my school days, I STILL do not know who he is or how does he looks like although, I went to tuition classes with him. Meh.

Then there will be girls who dates people from the internet, one even dated a boy from a few states away and oh yea, she never seen him before.

I am not the school girl who are studious and do not want relationship to distract my studies. I am just not interested (or any of them interested in me bla) and I spent my time daydreaming that my boyfriend is Syaoran from CCS of Jeremy from ZITS. (FYI, I love Johnny but I never envision him as my bf, coz clearly he is too old for me. I only want to shag him wtf hahahahah and i appreciate his weirdness.)

I think the way I grew up leads to my awkwardness in talking to guys unless they are older guys, like in their 40s. I never know how to talk to young guys. Or flirt. Also, I believe that my body which is filled with unnecessary fats puts a barrier or a mind block to myself that these guys will not like a fat ass.

Even in form six, I couldn't talk to a guy if I look straight at his face, not because I'm shy or I like him in person, I just don't know how to talk to them. I don't know how to communicate with guys at all.

To this day, I still cannot talk to guys looking straight at their faces. I talk to people I work with with my eyes looking far away or looking at their hair which is closest to their eyes, so they would think that I am looking at their eyes.

When I meet people outside, if it is a girl, it would be much easier coz I can look straight in her eyes and talk to her properly. If it's a guy, there will be a lot of 'errr' 'ermmm' 'ohhh' and also awkward silence moments.

Clearly I talk better with girls. :/

I watched so many romantic movies, so many lessons on how to love, how not to love, and how lovely it is to have someone by your side when you go through the ups and downs of life.

I don't have any of those and I never had it. I doubt that I will ever have it.

It burns me to know that in order to find someone who will love you back, you have to be skinny, pretty and a goody-two-shoe. I have none of these three qualities. Oh, 'qualities'. Haha, what a joke.

The qualities aren't exactly qualities. They are just first impressions. and first impressions has to be good. I guess my first impressions to people are fatass, chubby and dumb. That's pretty much it. That is why I don't appeal to people, I guess. Unfortunately, it doesn't get better. When they truly get to know me, I am evil, bitchy and judgmental.

If I am a guy, I will stay the fuck away from myself. In conclusion, I am unlovable. I don't even love myself, how do I expect others to love me?

I just want someone to give me a chewbacca hug when I feel like shit. Or someone to cuddle with when I watch a movie. But like chewbaccas, guys who will love me are rare in this world. I doubt that they even exist.

So, I'll just chewbacca hug myself to sleep tonight and hopefully when I wake up tomorrow, the feeling of wanting a lover will be gone and I will be a normal, single, and totally satisfied-with-a-cat's-love 21 year-old again.

Oh, I can also have a dream now and find my boyfriend in it. I don't even know how he looks like but I know he has a kind heart for loving me- an evil overlord. I'm like Megamind, really. *evil laughter*

Very well, then. Goodnight and I shall find Jeremy-my lover in my dream. Haha I got an imaginary boyfriend now!!! (Don't ask why named him Jeremy. I just like the name Jeremy)

Have a great Sunday!

suwa.

This photo is a lie.

:: stitched on` ::*|04:20|

:: [0] care[s] ::

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Ailurophile. Irascible. Desultory. Furtive.

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