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Tuesday, 5 October 2010

[ ..stares.. ]

There is a subtle emptiness in me in these few days. I dunno if it's because of aunt flo or not. I get annoyed easily all the time. but it just gotten worse yesterday and today. It's annoying. Me getting annoyed easily is annoying me.

Hmm.. see what i mean?

I don't feel like writing at all. Not at all. I have a tonnes of work to finish and I couldn't bring myself to finish them. And I have no idea why. Everyday as I sit in my place, I simply just idle my time away and wait until I feel like going home. I haven't started writing anything at all. Now I just hope that I will not have any assignments outside of the office so that I can finish up my work this week then put my schedule and time arrangement on track again.

Actually, I feel like going home now. I downloaded Final Fantasy VIII and I played it last night. Despite the over-repeated scene when the GF attacks, I still find the game addictive and gan cheong (exciting). I couldn't stop shaking my legs!

I've been waiting to play this game again for long. But now I couldn't tell if I am satisfied or happy at all. I want to feel happy and satisfied, but for no reasons, I just don't feel anything at all. But I really want to scream in happiness and bask in the joy of reuniting with my childhood game, but I can't feel anything at all.

It's almost like you lost all of your senses and you couldn't feel the heat when you touch the boiling pot. What a sad feeling aye?

Sometimes I wish I live in a world where everyone is as pathetic as me so I wouldn't feel that bad. Unfortunately, I live in a world where everyone is much more fortunate that I do.

Trip to Singapore makes me feel so happy I couldn't sleep at night. Then when I settle back down in the muddy world of mine, I realised that I'm back to reality and Singapore is just a dream. Such a short-lived dream.

Here I am, back to the mud and have to start doing what I'd been doing for the past year. Am I happy? Of course I am! It's not easy to get a job, moreover to keep a job. I'm fortunate to have a job that is kind of carefree and jolly but yet, it is me being the problem. The problem of me feeling that I don't belong. because I lack the qualifications and the intellectual of a normal worker in this place. I really do not like myself.

Sometimes, I feel unworthy. Most of the time, I feel that I don't belong.

I think I should stop idling. If I spend all these time typing this, then I should be able to type what I should be typing right now.

I wish I can skip all these uncertainty years and head towards the years where I finally have the confidence in myself again. I hate searching for my soul kinda shit. I hate growing up. I want to be a grown up but I hate the process of growing up.

Sometimes I really wish I can take a whole month off and play Final Fantasy VIII everyday until I feel satisfied and ready to get back to work.

Or maybe I should shut down my brain for a while and take a good rest and not sleep at 5am again. I shall head home early today and finish up at least three articles tomorrow. I shall go trim my hair this Friday morning. Getting bangs. I think We'll see how it goes, okay?

See you again when I am less emo... Have a good day.


:: stitched on` ::*|16:35|

:: [0] care[s] ::


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:: ..it is me.. ::
Ailurophile. Irascible. Desultory. Furtive.


:: ..Type Here.. ::

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:: ..Tick Tock.. :: --------------------------------------

:: ..Calender 2013.. ::


::..Wishes.. ::
~ eternal financial stability, bitch
~ Tokyo solo 2013
~ to Japan, I go for second time!
~ to Japan, I go!
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~ Superheadz Golden Half!
~ new camera!
~ a studio home
~ publish a novel/short stories compilation

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