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Wednesday, 1 September 2010

[ ..writing or typing?.. ]

I had started writing again. I mean, really writing. Not for work but for myself. I've got ideas floating in my mind for years. And for years I do not know how to start or how to end. I only know what's sandwiched in between.

Last night I finished a short story. The title is The Lost Moment, I named it after my brother's Thai friends' band, Inspirative's instrumental song. One day I was driving in my car and the song came in my mp3. For that moment I felt like I'm living the song. My emotions dwells together with it, just like I am a part of the song.

When the guitar riff hits in I felt like my heart got ripped out and I started to cry for no reasons. I've always liked that song, but I never knew how much it meant and how it affects your emotion. It is a brilliant composition with an aptly named title. You feel lost in the song, each time you hear it but every time when it ends, you have found yourself again. You look at things like you never seen before.

I miss those days when I always learns something new each day. I miss those days when I discover certain something different each day. I miss those days when things aren't as stiff and stoned as it is right now.

I miss those days when I come to KL for school holiday and always thinking that it is bloody difficult to get from my house to a shopping mall. Or the days when I had fun eating out with my sisters at different places in KL. The Land of Mud has always been whimsical and special to me. It's a place I don't belong and I wish to belong.

Now, I feel more like a KL-ian than a Taiping-ite. I don't miss my hometown at all. When I think of my hometown, I think of those bad days, nightmares and the narrow-minded people there. Small town syndrome. I've been trying to escape from that place since forever, running away from it whenever I had a chance. And here I am right now.

Far away from the my hometown, the place I loathe. Yet, I still feel like running away from The Land of Mud. Not because of the people here or the food or the bad days. But I just feel like running away.
Sometimes I do not know what I really want. What do I really want in my life? Have I accomplished what I want? Am I living the life I want? What can I do more to improve it? I dunno. I have not the slightest idea. I feel stuck. That is why I want to run away. Anywhere.

I think, maybe I just need some things to look forward to every weekend. My second sister bought me a cooking book, recipes for cookies. I can try making different cookies each week. Cat knows, one day I may have this as a skill if I lose my current job.

Or maybe I can write a short story each weekend. Then slowly hone my writing skill and later proceed to a full novel.

As I lay down on my bed yesterday with Shiro-kyun lying on my left arm, breathing slowly, purring softly, quickly falling alseep, I looked at the ever turning fan. Does the fan feels bored of doing the same thing each day? It doesn't have a say in going faster or slower at all. It all depends on the switch that left for me or my mother to decide. Once in a while it will get cleaned up and continue to serve us. But, is that what it really wants to do in life?

Looking at my cat, so quietly sleeping on the comfort of my arm. Do I have the right to keep him in my house and not let him go out and catch all the birds and mice he wants? Doesn't he have the right to run along here and there outside, playing with other cats and dig all holes he wants?

Who am I to capture him and keep him as my prisoner? Who am I to locked him up, and cut off his freedom?

Yet, I am too selfish to do anything about it. I love him too much to let him go, I love him to much to see him eating off the rubbish bin or a sealed plastic bag. I love him to much to see him get bullied by other cats. I'm just an example of a selfish human being.

But to look at it, if Shiro-kyun is feeling unsatisfied, trapped and locked up as I am right now, I can only ask myself, who is controlling me? Who trapped me? Who locked me up? If I am the one who imprisoned Shiro-kyun, then who did the same to me that makes me feel this way?

Nobody. Or maybe, it's myself.

Sometimes, I wish I can open up my mind as fast as I want myself to. Sometimes I wish I can be a different person. Sometimes, I wish I can stay the same all the time. Sometimes, I wish there are more to life than to earn money, pay for food and accommodation, then earn some more money.

It's not like I hate my job. I'm alrighty with it. It's just the momentarily feeling of getting stuck and lost in no where. I just need to find a foundation. A base. Something I can build with. Slowly build the rest of my life with. A cold hard, cemented base.

Sometimes, I wish I can vanish from the surface of the earth my my cat and enter a world of watercolour, pencils, fountain pens and typewriters. And maybe toy cameras too.

Then, I can do what I really want to do most in life.

To write, illustrate and capture a colourful life.


*photos taken with Superheadz Ultra Wide and Slim, Fujifilm ISO 200 film*

:: stitched on` ::*|15:32|

:: [1] care[s] ::


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:: ..it is me.. ::
Ailurophile. Irascible. Desultory. Furtive.


:: ..Type Here.. ::

:: ..pages i stalk.. ::
..queen of mushrooms..
..best page on earth..

:: ..Tick Tock.. :: --------------------------------------

:: ..Calender 2013.. ::


::..Wishes.. ::
~ eternal financial stability, bitch
~ Tokyo solo 2013
~ to Japan, I go for second time!
~ to Japan, I go!
~ Canon G12
~ Superheadz Ultra Wide and Slim!
~ Superheadz Golden Half!
~ new camera!
~ a studio home
~ publish a novel/short stories compilation

:: ..Crédits.. ::
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