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Friday, 2 July 2010

[ ..another chapter of the sad little thing.. ]

I can never understand why I can be so stupid sometimes. I always makes the wrong decisions. I always brush off important stuffs that really matters.

I cannot manage my finances at all. I tend to save too much money, then have to drag my feet to my savings account atm to get money out. But I feel so bad because I never liked taking out money from that account. To me, that account = my future. Without the account = no future.

Sigh.

I really wish that I don't have to worry so much about money. I wish I have overflowing money for me to spend without thinking. How nice would that be?

So stress.

Sigh.
I want to run off some where and never come back to deal with anything. But you see... I don't have the money to run away. So, in the end, it's all about the money.

That is what happen when you come from a stupid poor family.

I never say this before, but here it is. I blame my the poverty of my family for ruining my ideal life.
I want to get the fuck out and have my own family of only me and my cat. Since nobody can help me in any way at all. I better stay off alone with someone who will actually listen to me and understand me most.
Most of the time I feel like I am on a standstill of life, where I cannot move on and got stuck in the past.
I can cut off my fingers to show you how many friends I have in life, and I will still half more than half left. Heck, i don't even have to take off my shoes, in case I have too many friends I have to start cutting off my toes.
As I am sitting here right now, I don't feel that I have any purpose in life. I mean, my existence doesn't really matter to anyone. As far as I know there are people who wished that the world is a better place without my existence. Or maybe they wouldn't even notice.
Last night I locked myself in the room and cried my heart out. I kept looking at the window and I felt suicidal. 13 floors down. Maybe I won't feel a pain. They said, your heart stops because of too much adrenalin rush.

Then my stomach starts to hurt again. It has been hurting for two weeks now. I went to the kitchen to get the medicine. Then I look at the bag of meds. If I swallow them all, then go to sleep, I won't feel any pain right? I will just die in my sleep like Heath Ledger did.

Then, it struck me. I am such a coward that when if I am to kill myself, I have to find a painless way. What a wuss.

Then my cat purred and meowed at me. Ahh, that is the only living thing that cares about me. How sad.

This is it, friends or non- friends alike. I feel like giving up already. I never meet my own expectations. That is the saddest thing on earth, when you found out that you cannot even satisfy yourself.

The windows of the world is telling me, Good night.

:: stitched on` ::*|14:31|

:: [0] care[s] ::

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:: ..it is me.. ::
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Ailurophile. Irascible. Desultory. Furtive.

Me

:: ..Type Here.. ::
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:: ..Tick Tock.. :: --------------------------------------

:: ..Calender 2013.. ::

June
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::..Wishes.. ::
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~ eternal financial stability, bitch
~ Tokyo solo 2013
~ to Japan, I go for second time!
~ to Japan, I go!
~ Canon G12
~ Superheadz Ultra Wide and Slim!
~ Superheadz Golden Half!
~ new camera!
~ a studio home
~ publish a novel/short stories compilation


:: ..Crédits.. ::
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