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Thursday, 6 May 2010

[ ..it's difficult to be happy.. ]

Good day all!

I wanted to blog something. I have photos but can't seem to find the time to upload them in the computer. My sister's laptop can't online for some reason. The line hasn't been fixed yet. It's frustrating. But I find solace in catching up with some dvds and on Monday I'm back to re-watching Gintama.

I don't think my nerves can relax until the day I get my car. I want everything to be perfect. Get the perfect car, get the perfect car plat number. Get car tires locks to prevent mofos from stealing my car tires when I park my car somewhere around. Get documents done. Run away from the pending summon bills from preventing me to sell off my old car.

Too much to think. It's not complicated but I want everything to be perfect.

First the agent screw up my loan, now I have to pay extra each month. I sulked a little bit of course, coz even 10 bucks is a lot to me.

I hate when people say "Ewww" when I told them my car is green or my car is manual.

I dunno why is it so hard for people to understand 'personal likings'. Why? My car green now is your problem meh? My car is manual will make you die is it?

How many times I have to explain to people that it is what I like that's why I chose it. (I love green, so it's natural for me to choose green; I love to drive manual coz i hate to be controlled by the machine and I like to be in control, I'm bossy like that)

I don't even understand why i have to explain to them because it's not like I am their driver or anything. Or one day I will give my car to them. Why does it bother you? It's not even yours.

Then people start saying that I am very lan si (ego) coz I'm getting a car. Hello, do you know what the fuck is INSTALLMENT?

I'm stuck with a loan for the rest of my life! (or maybe just the next 7 years, sigh. or maybe the rest of my life is just the next 7 years, you won't know) And you people who knows me well, know that I fucking hate loan and that is ONE reason why I REFUSE to take PTPTN to continue my studies!!!

You think I so pandai isit now, just coz I am getting a car? I feel like a fucking failure okay?! If I am to get a fucking car with my cash instead of getting loan, THEN I am pandai lah.

But unfortunately I am not.

At one time I thought of taking all my savings out to put on my car so that my burden for the next few years will be lessen by a lot, but if I take them all out, what am I going to do if one day I get admitted into the hospital with cancer?

Besides, my savings ain't a lot and can't cover much of the loan anyways, SO what's the use?

Sigh. Most of the time I hear people saying that we are growing up so fast that we forget to enjoy life and all.

But usually people who said that are people who enjoys life the most.

They say "I am 21 but I feel like there are so much responsibility that we have to carry already!". Most of these people are those with loads of assignments in universities and college.

Yes, you are right. But put yourself in my shoes. I doubt that you can fill them in. Yes, you have your responsibilities, I understand. But do you know what is work hard, find money, pay rent, pay car installment, pay life insurance, pay parents, pay cat kibbles, pay petrol and pay everything else.

I am going to be 21. I feel like I'm in my 30s already. I know what I am going through now cannot be compared with my eldest sister. I know I am doing better than she did when she was my age.

But I am still having much difficulties in my stupid pathetic life.

Up till now I never feel like I achieved anything in life at all. I feel like I am more like a failure.

My luck has been down since forever (nah, the red jinx post just a rant). Sometimes I don't understand how can some other people can be so lucky in life. SO lucky indeed.

Their so-called work hard is just 'study hard, remember hard but at the same time, play hard'.

Since last year I can only work hard, no play hard. I want to go for a holiday but there are so much to think about. In fact, too much to think about.

Even a simple act of getting a new laptop, I have to consider for a few months (in fact for a few years already). There is just no simple act of take out cash, go to mall, get the laptop.

Sigh. I hate to rant about money so much here. But where else can I rant if not here?

Money has always been a problem to me since forever. Admittedly I am not from a rich family, I don't have parents so rich they can buy me anything, I don't have nice relatives who will buy you stuff in a snap of your fingers, I don't have a trust fund my parents built for me when I was 2, I don't have any of those.

I lamented about this for so many times I'm getting sick of myself. Sometimes, I just wish that I could be more useful than I am now. I think I am the most useless person I ever known. I couldn't do anything to save my own life. I'm just a failure like that.

I am so sorry that I couldn't be any more useful to any of you, even to myself. I tried to find the alternatives but it just doesn't work out. I feel so bodoh.

Guess this is going to be who I am until I reach my golden age. The piece of failure of the century.

Oh well, not that anyone cares. Except for myself.

Thanks for reading anyways. This is one crappy blog I won't even read it myself.

suwa.

:: stitched on` ::*|11:18|

:: [0] care[s] ::

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:: ..it is me.. ::
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suwas.jpg
Ailurophile. Irascible. Desultory. Furtive.

Me

:: ..Type Here.. ::
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:: ..pages i stalk.. ::
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..queen of mushrooms..
..best page on earth..


:: ..Tick Tock.. :: --------------------------------------

:: ..Calender 2013.. ::

June
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::..Wishes.. ::
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~ eternal financial stability, bitch
~ Tokyo solo 2013
~ to Japan, I go for second time!
~ to Japan, I go!
~ Canon G12
~ Superheadz Ultra Wide and Slim!
~ Superheadz Golden Half!
~ new camera!
~ a studio home
~ publish a novel/short stories compilation


:: ..Crédits.. ::
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Blog Désign: Michiika
Photo: SuuwaXSupatenshi