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Monday, 12 April 2010

[ ..losing it all.. ]

Recently I have some really bad dreams. Most of them are dreams of failures. It's like, everything that I do fail miserably. Horribly.

I have a lot going on these days. Too many things going on at the same time. I never had a chance to sit down and just have fun. Even on weekends my mind is boggled by multiple stuff. I can't relax. I can't fall asleep. And it's not good.

I can't think of any happy things anymore. I may watch George Carlin stand up shows and laugh my ass off for an hour but when that hour passed, all the reality stumps come back to me.

I can't smile genuinely anymore.

I dreamt that I pissed off a lot of people for not doing what I do efficiently.

I dreamt that my new car arrived looking like a piece of shit but I can't get a refund.

I dreamt that I blew off all of my savings on my car and all I get is a stupid car that broke down on the first day.

and a whole lot of other dreams that makes me feel not wanting to fall asleep anymore.


Sometimes you dream about a person killing another. You dream of wars and bloodshed. You dream of unfaithful friends who will do anything just to harm you.

But I think, dreams about what happens in reality is far scarier than all these because, you will not know if they will come true because the dreams are so realistic and logic.

I am tired. Not physically. As usual, it's my mind that is restless. I couldn't help wondering about stuff that will happen. I couldn't stop thinking if I have make some wrong decisions. I couldn't stop feeling that things might not work out fine for me.

All in all, I feel hopeless most of the time. Like when you fall down and hanging on a cliff, you wait and wait for hours and hours long but there is still nobody around to lift up right up and save your life.

I feel sad. I feel tired. I feel restless. I feel hopeless.

Mind you, when I am a happy bouncing ball, I really do bounce around in happiness, basking in my own glory. I wish to be happy and care-free too but I am a living paranoia doll after all.

I wish I can change but it is difficult. I will try my best to change. I will.

I really wish that some things in life can be simple. Not everything, of course. Just that simple things should remain simple.

The thing is, I don't feel like I belong at any place. Not in the house, not even here. Since highschool I always feel like an outcast. Someone who doesn't belong. There is no warmth welcome for me, anywhere I try to be in.

Most of the time they have something to complain about me. I don't belong. I just don't belong. And I ever wanted in this world is a place where I belong. Where people can accept me. I just don't belong. Sometimes, I wish I can build my own spaceship and shoot myself out to the milky way and find myself another planet. With Shiro-kyun.


All these things going around my mind now has cross the line and bothered my work too much. I should find a place to concentrate and my work should be the one.

But most of the time when I am sitting at this place, all I can think of is running away. No, not forever. Just a week. Just a week. Running away.

I want to go to somewhere I can joke of not coming back. Somewhere I can sit down and relax. Somewhere my heart do not beat 120times a minute.

I want to go to a place where I don't have to worry about my car, my work and my family. A place where me and Shiro-kyun can sit under the warm sun and fall asleep without an alarm clock waiting to wake me up.


No, I don't like reading myself writing such emo and pointless post too. Who wants themselves to be unhappy? I don't. I want to be happy and I think I deserve to be happy after all I've been through. But no, it's hard to be happy. It's difficult to maintain happiness. Happiness is high maintenance after all. Oh why do I only find out about it now? I should have know that happiness is high maintenance from day one.

I strive to be happy but all I am feeling now is restless, hopeless and utterly confused.

I wish I can be happy tomorrow. Can I?


Suwa.

:: stitched on` ::*|19:28|

:: [0] care[s] ::

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:: ..it is me.. ::
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Ailurophile. Irascible. Desultory. Furtive.

Me

:: ..Type Here.. ::
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:: ..Tick Tock.. :: --------------------------------------

:: ..Calender 2013.. ::

June
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::..Wishes.. ::
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~ eternal financial stability, bitch
~ Tokyo solo 2013
~ to Japan, I go for second time!
~ to Japan, I go!
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~ new camera!
~ a studio home
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