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Wednesday, 7 April 2010

[ ..numb thyself.. ]

I am really feeling liek a piece of shit now. I have tonnes to do but decided to take a little time to update my bloggie.

Sometimes I wonder why are we here anyway. It's like your daily routine, is just to earn money and pay off to other people in order to continue living.

You strive to have a movable car, nice clothes, nice crib and a comfortable life, I shall say. But what is the point?

Seriously? What is the point?

Day by day I feel more like a living dead. And it's not like I do the same thing everyday!!! I do different things and go different places and see different people but I feel bored!

I don't ever want to feel bored! But Why am I feeling bored?

Most of the time I feel under-appreciated. But to ask myself, What did I do that deserves other people's appreaciation??? What the hell do I want?!

I do not like listening to other people's fortune. Not at all. I don't like listening to them bragging about what new stuff they buy or where they go for holiday.

Yeayea, I love Cheesie's travelog but that's because I chose to read it unlike braggy people who shove it down your eardrums.

I don't liek listening to people talking about stuff that they can do that I WISHED that I could but I couldn't just because of the simplest reason: No Money.

This is a weird phrase. No Money. Somebody bounds to have at least some money! Even a beggar who has two cents considered to have money!

Okay, maybe I shall rephrase. Lack of money. How is that?

I think my whole notion of saving money, be rich and be wealthy were since I was 14 or so. When I had this rich friend who have everything she ever wanted in her world.

Without doing anything except for voicing her thoughts out, her parents will give her all she wants.

Just recently, I told her that I am getting a new car although have to locked myself up to an installment jail for the next nine years and in return she told me that she is now living by herself in her own apartment and owning a car soon. I can guess, it's gonna be an awesome car.

I am 20 going on 21. She is 20 going on 21 too.

I live with my sister, mom and brother in a small and old apartment, sleeping on the couch for more than 20 months, sharing a bathroom with my sis and mom. I have no privacy or whatsoever. The new car that I am buying is a local production. I go for a long-hour job daily with salary less than 2k.
I also have a cat to buy kibbles to. I am using a second-hand cellphone, wearing a second hand watch, clothes from a cheap online store and hand-me-downs from my sisters, second-hand handbag, pair of ballet flats that cost no more than rm20, hair that hadn't been trim for half a year, wallet bought from a 70% sale and a horrible back ache that i need to deal with for sleeping on a fucking couch for more than 20 months.

I am 20 going on 21.

Some people are just born lucky, you see. They are born with a silver and gold spoon. It pains me that I am not one of them.

No matter how much I can bitch about rich people and how lucky they are, it's useless because, in the end, they will still have the last laugh. In the end they are still the one who has everything.

No matter how hard you work, you will still stay at your own level. My level is zero apparently to be compared to the friend whom I don't even want to consider as friend anymore because my envious towards her life had sabotaged too much.

When my family members asked me about my ' friends', I don't know what to say of them because I seriously do not know anything about them.

MOst of the time I want to be as ignorant as I could. I won't ask them anything, and won't let them tell me anything. I don't wanna be envious of them. I know when they start talking about their lives, I will be so jealous that I might cry on scene.

My eyes are actually smarting with tears right now.

Why do I compare myself with others, you ask?

I don't know, I really don't. Well, it seem natural to compare when you are all the same age. Usually that's what people say, isn't it? "Wow, look at her accomplishments! And she is the same age as you! Why you lousy motherfucker!"

At times I thought I had accomplished much. But by the end of the day, you just need a conversation with another person luckier than you that will make you feel like the biggest piece of shit in the world.

That is why I chose to cut off ties with almost everyone I ever knew. How to be friends with people who had better lives than you? You can? Well, I can't. Not like the very few friends I have now has worse luck in life than me, but at least they don't carry their expensive cellphones and handbags around me.

Or a full certificated smile for studying in an established school.

I can't. I just simply can't.

I am practically a walking bottle of green envy juice. I had been this way as far as I can remember. Since I was a child I can't help but to bully a girl who had a train toy set that I wanted for long.

Only that when you are a grown up, you can't bully anyone anymore. How can you bully someone else who have an apartment and a car of her own? How?

It's times like this when I decided that listening to other people's fortunes can make me feel so sick and negative about myself. I don't have rich parents who set up a foundation for me to study abroad, or can buy anything I want. The saddest part is that whatever that I want that I cannot get, all my other friends get them. I felt as if they had been robbed away.

Therefore, never will I or shall I to talk to other people about their fortune anymore.

It's sickening.

It's truly sickening.

Sigh. I know how life can be unfair to someone. In this case, (there comes my self-pity again, bear with me please), I looked around and it seems that I am always the less fortunate one.

Count my blessings? How to count when you barely have one?

Maybe I do have one. Shiro-kyun.

I am tired. Tired of getting jealous. Tired of my envious thoughts. Tired of everyone's lucky lives.

If only I have the courage to end my life right now, I would do it. If only I have the courage. The courage to do anything.

There is no hope left for me. None at all. I am simply just a 20 going on 21 young woman who will not accomplish shit in her life, a living dead and will cease out of the world without anyone remembering who she was.

Suwa.

:: stitched on` ::*|18:13|

:: [4] care[s] ::

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:: ..it is me.. ::
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suwas.jpg
Ailurophile. Irascible. Desultory. Furtive.

Me

:: ..Type Here.. ::
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:: ..pages i stalk.. ::
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..queen of mushrooms..
..best page on earth..


:: ..Tick Tock.. :: --------------------------------------

:: ..Calender 2013.. ::

June
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::..Wishes.. ::
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~ eternal financial stability, bitch
~ Tokyo solo 2013
~ to Japan, I go for second time!
~ to Japan, I go!
~ Canon G12
~ Superheadz Ultra Wide and Slim!
~ Superheadz Golden Half!
~ new camera!
~ a studio home
~ publish a novel/short stories compilation


:: ..Crédits.. ::
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Photo: SuuwaXSupatenshi