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Tuesday, 19 January 2010

[ ..can you fix a torn paper?.. ]

Paper heart continues.

How do you fix a paper that had been teared into pieces? Can you pick up the pieces and glue it back into perfection?

Well, I guess not. And no, this is not about love and all that shit. I am not that kind of girl who emo about love.

Like a healthy heart pumping up and down to continue the flow of blood, my emotions had been played around just like that way. One minute I am happy then the next reality hits and I emo again.

I want to cry so badly. But I have to surpressed my feelings. I am surrounded by people all the time. Everywhere I go, there are people. I don't have my own room. I can't hide in my own house.

I realised the only place I love to be in the most is my tiny little car. That is one reason why i love driving around so much. I don't care about the petrol, if I can, I want to drive on every highway in Malaysia. Alone.

I love my privacy. I love being alone. There are times I really want to have my own blank space. I want my four blank walls. I want hide in it and cry all the fuck I want until I am satisfied and come back out again to real life.

That's how i find solace. I guess, that is my problem now. I don't have my own space.

I want my own space. I don't like the feeling of being intrude every two minutes. Give me a house, and let me live alone with my cat. That's the life I want. Privacy and silence.

No acoustic or electric guitar strumming at 12am, no Play Station gaming sound at 3am, not bitch showing off her life to every single minute she sees me.

But I can't get what I want, coz that's life. Life is unfair. you will not get what you want.

No, let me rephrase that, people like US cannot get what they want because the other kind of lucky people gets everything including the things they do not want but it's the thing we want.

I understand that life is unfair. I am making my way to accept it slowly. I must keep telling myself that whatever that I wish for, I will not get because if I think that I will get them, and by the end of the day I couldn't get them I will feel like shit. Ever shitter than right now.

Tears just rolled down from my eyes and my nosy cat suddenly walked near me and sat on my lap.

I am going to be 21 this year. Still have a very long road to walk on. But I already feel like a failure.

So far, I can only see myself as a failure.

If things keep playing with my emotions like this I am afraid that I might have an emotional breakdown.

I dunno. Am I overworked? I never take one day off from what I am doing now. It has been four months, almost five. I never took one day off.

I dunno. I was so happy when the year ends. I was hoping for a wonderful 2010 but so far this is just ... emo.

I wish I can cry out loud for this. Maybe I can cry virtually now? Like using emoticons? T__T can?

I don't wanna be emo. I feel stuck. So stuck.

I want to have fun. I really do want to have fun. But I don't even know how to have fun anymore.

My friend is right. You watch a movie or two, but when the movie is over, you will realise that whatever you were feeling before is still there.

Distraction might work for the moment, but when the moment pass, you will feel just the same.

I wish my car windows were tinted so i can cry my ass off in it.

Can I have a hug?

well, i don't think i will have any. so just let me end this emo post with an emo song.



suwa.

p.s.: i know i know i shouldn't listen to norah when i am emo-ing. but she's kind of a therapy to me. although i emo even more listening to her. fml.

hope your days are better than mine.

:: stitched on` ::*|19:59|

:: [3] care[s] ::

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:: ..it is me.. ::
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suwas.jpg
Ailurophile. Irascible. Desultory. Furtive.

Me

:: ..Type Here.. ::
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:: ..pages i stalk.. ::
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..queen of mushrooms..
..best page on earth..


:: ..Tick Tock.. :: --------------------------------------

:: ..Calender 2013.. ::

June
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::..Wishes.. ::
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~ eternal financial stability, bitch
~ Tokyo solo 2013
~ to Japan, I go for second time!
~ to Japan, I go!
~ Canon G12
~ Superheadz Ultra Wide and Slim!
~ Superheadz Golden Half!
~ new camera!
~ a studio home
~ publish a novel/short stories compilation


:: ..Crédits.. ::
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Photo: SuuwaXSupatenshi